by Billy Masters

“If you ever start to feel too good about yourself, they have this thing called the Internet and you can find a lot of people there who don't like you ... They can suck it.”
—Golden Globe winner Tina Fey addresses her haters.

Last week started with two local theatrical endeavors. First up was Missionary Position at Hollywood’s Celebration Theatre. This is the second in a proposed trilogy (Lord help us) of solo works by self-proclaimed “Mormon boy” Steve Fales. Putting my own bias aside for a moment, it is undeniable that Fales has a following—for reasons perhaps less associated with his performing and writing abilities and more with his nudity on stage. I’m certainly not condemning that—if anyone cared, I’d be naked on stage all the time. The bottom line—if you liked his previous show and/or him, you’ll like this. And, if you’re lucky, you might catch a gander of his gender.

Next was mixed-gender burlesque by the creators of Naked Boys Singing, entitled Hangin’ Out, at the Macha Theatre. Interestingly enough, NBS debuted at the Celebration Theatre and was created to save that company from financial ruin (and look where that’s gotten us). I walked in with even more bias because I was at one of the first readings of NBS and became very close with members of that original company—and the creators. So, once again, if you liked Naked Boys Singing, you’ll like this show—assuming you also like seeing naked women (I was closer to a Caesarean section scar than I ever imagined I’d be). The show features three guys and gals of various shapes, sizes and ages (to say nothing of intactness). The songs keep moving (due largely to the talented music director, Gerald Sternbach), so if you don’t like something, wait five minutes and they’ll be onto the next piece.

I am probably the only person to have gone to Missionary Position, Hangin’ Out and the Golden Globes. But that’s my life! My favorite aspect of the Globes is that as they go on and on, everyone gets more and more drunk. None of that helped the bomb of the evening—Sacha Baron Cohen’s attack on Hollywood. Kathy Griffin is smart enough to always remember the old adage “know your audience.” If Sacha wanted to go after Guy Ritchie and Madonna in a group of non-entertainment folk, people would eat it up. But in front of a solely industry audience? Not so much. The groans you heard on TV were nothing compared to the boos in the venue.

However, Sacha didn’t have the most embarrassing moment of the night. No, that was saved for Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet. The diminutive interviewer spied Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and literally leapt off his perch and walked right over to them. Did he get the interview? Nope. Despite being inches from her face, Angelina never turned her head, and Brad said something over his shoulder that looked like, “Back off, bitch.” A security man literally pushed Ryan away while Brangelina sauntered over to chat with Billy Bush from Access Hollywood (you can watch this fabulous encounter on BillyMasters.com). Ouch ... that’s gotta hurt. Seacrest out!

You all saw the awards, so let’s move to the HBO after party. Drew Barrymore was showing off her new tongue piercing while spending time with her Grey Gardens co-star, Jessica Lange (and don’t those eyes look particularly Asian?). When Lange left, Drew bummed a cigarette off of Amy Poehler and stayed with her and hubby Will Arnett till the end of the evening. Tina Fey made a quick run through, while Sigourney sat at a table looking quite stunning, if not somewhat unapproachable (not that that’s ever stopped me). Sexy Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto posed together and talked Trek, while hunky Ryan Kwanten gabbed about True Blood. All the while, Shirley MacLaine made four complete loops of the party. That’s her cardio workout for 2009!

I was not invited to Kevin Huvane’s exclusive CAA bash, and neither was Paris Hilton. But while I schmoozed with her parents at the HBO party, Paris was trying to slip into CAA’s soirée—with disastrous results. Huvane (who is no fool) had his eye on the door when Paris arrived and loudly asked, “Who let her in?” At that moment, Hilton slipped into the ladies room, hoping to avoid a confrontation. What she didn’t know is Kevin had instructed security to wait outside the door. Once Paris eventually emerged, she was ejected.

I planned to slip in an item about hunky Chris Evans coming out in favor of gay marriage. As luck would have it, I found Chris slipping next to me at the Golden Globes bar! After getting the usual geography out of the way (we’re both from Boston), I applauded him for this quote: “It’s mindboggling and appalling that human beings are being denied civil rights in this country.” It’s a personal issue for Chris—his younger brother is gay (and he says they look exactly alike). Of course, we tracked down Scott Evans and have some pics to share with you on BillyMasters.com.

But, back to Chris—turns out he has a secret: “I’m down with the gays. Mostly I’m hanging out with my brother and his gay buddies, who are f--king hilarious. They’re the funniest people I know. They’ve invited me out to gay bars before, and I said, ‘Look, guys, I’ve got to draw the line there.’ That’s where a photo will get taken, it will run in magazines, and before you know it, I’ll be living down the gay rumor for the rest of my life.’” Far be it from me to start any rumors, but we’ve also learned that he has a crush on Brad Pitt, enjoys the blue tights from Fantastic Four flicks (which he tells me are over), and donned drag with Milo Ventimiglia (also in drag) for a performance of “I Will Survive” in the pilot episode of the TV series Opposite Sex. And, girlfriend, they be sanging! Because we’re givers, we found this footage and you can enjoy it on BillyMasters.com.

The day after the Globes, I attended Defying Inequality, a benefit thrown by the cast of Wicked to raise money to promote equality and civil rights. This benefit actually took place in four cities—Los Angeles, New York, Chicago and Louisville. Louisville? That’s where the national tour of Wicked happens to be (L.A. and Chicago had their own companies). The L.A. event featured a host of talent, including Eden Espinosa, Megan Hilty, Jason Graae, Jo Anne Worley and composer Steven Schwartz. We’re told it raised oodles of money.

With that, it’s time to end yet another column. I am so excited—I have a week of peace and quiet. No events. No house guests. No nothing. Just me and the endless parade of naked men that pass through Billy Masters International. You can keep up on all the comings and goings at BillyMasters.com. Since I’ve got so much free time, feel free to write me at Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Paris signs with CAA. Until next time, remember, one man’s gossip is another man’s bible.