Guess what? The bitch is back! Yep, my Pollyanna disposition has lasted about as long as Oprah’s new “I Love Myself” diet. That moon-adorin’, lemon-lovin’, tree-huggin’ optimist that was all chipper and perky and dottin’ her i’s with hearts and smiley faces at the beginning of ’09 has already been unceremoniously dumped from a moving car and left for dead, not unlike a half-nude extra in the first five minutes of Law & Order: SVU, or as I affectionately call it, Murder She Wrote with Semen.

Yes, the bloom is off the rose and I am once again disgusted by the weird and wicked world around me. Take, for instance, a few television commercials that are currently running. In a campaign to exorcise the many demons dancing around high fructose corn syrup (search “corn syrup commercial” on YouTube), some Madison Avenue whiz kid has created a series of ads that essentially lets you know that the omnipresent HFCS is not only natural, but has the same calories as sugar and is “safe in moderation.” Oh, and if you have the audacity to even question the nutritional value of this product—that many believe cannot be safely or fully assimilated by the human body and just might be one of the major reasons for our nation’s widespread obesity plague —then you are some kind of sheep-like idiot who is being led around by the short ‘n’ curlies by the liberal media elite and/or unpatriotic conspiracy theorists. Heck, you probably think 9/11 was an inside job and believe that the North American Union will someday combine the U.S., Mexico and Canada into one giant corporNation. What a freakin’ whack job!

Another series of commercials that terrify/delight me is the one for the U.S. Army that can be summed up as, “Sure your kid may be sent to fight an unwinnable war in some backwards hell-hole and might just come back in a body bag, but hey, keep an open mind!” These gems always feature an independent young person talking to a somewhat wary parent. There’s an underlying “the strong-willed apple doesn’t fall far from the no-nonsense tree” aspect to the parent/child relationship. Joining the Army means that you are ready to be responsible, do the right thing and show everyone what you’re made of. And, like the corn syrup ad, what is not said screams so much louder than anything they actually say in the spot. The proud look on the actor/parent’s face as they sit and imagine their actor/child’s flag-draped coffin—er, uh, I mean, service to their country—speaks volumes. Scary shit.

And finally, my all-time favorite (and scariest!) commercial has to be “Life Takes Visa.” People march around a colorful deli to goofy music while getting coffee, smoothies and a bite to eat. Everyone is in line, happily moving like they’re on an invisible conveyor belt. There’s even a great overhead shot that shows just how fun it can be to be a part of this well-choreographed societal dance that runs like a well-oiled machine. The shot, unfortunately, also makes the zombie-like consumers resemble inhabitants of an ant farm—mindless workers who appear downright proud to have sacrificed their souls and self-will not only for the good of society, but for stress-free sustenance that will help them live one more passionless, empty day. OK, I know it sounds like I am filling in a lot of blanks here, but go to YouTube and search “Life Takes Visa” and you will see what I mean. These poor fools are like caffeine-craving lemmings as they cheerfully swipe their Visa cards and leap off the proverbial cliff, marching out into the world to start their busy work days. But the slightly off guy right out of Central Casting pulls out some (gasp!) cash money and everything goes haywire: The goofy music turns downright menacing and the customers—unable to deal with the fact that something out of the ordinary (paying with cash!?) has happened—slam into each other like Keystone Cops in a silent film. The only thing missing is a chorus of “Does not compute!” The cashier, upon seeing the dirty money (that cannot be traced by the government or slapped with an interest rate) makes a face one might make if stabbed. God forbid she should have to do anything but flash a fake smile, but there she is—awkwardly making change while being forced to actually make eye contact with this goddamned disharmonius cash-user! Is it just me or does this commercial whisper, “It’s coming. Just let go and you will be so much happier. Sign up for the subdermal microchip. Don’t cause trouble. Be a good little citizen.”

So I say go for it! Join the Army so you can afford your $5 cup of coffee (which will really cost you about $8 if you put it on your credit card!) and jazz it up with one of the thousands of products that contain delicious yet harmless high fructose corn syrup. Who knew the future could be so warm and fuzzy!?

You know, sometimes being a negative and suspicious bitch is the most rebellious and human thing I can think to do.

illustration by glenhanson.com