by Billy Masters

“Ricky Martin will not be here tonight. He just had twins today. Surrogate mom. Yeah, they had to do it that way because babies don’t come out of other men’s asses.”
—Denis Leary goes after La Martin during Fashion Rocks. If Martin were out, I’d probably be offended. But since he’s not, f--k it.

I recently received an e-mail about a seminar called “Invisible Men: What to Do When You’re No Longer Young and Cute.” My initial reaction was, why did someone send this to moi! I also wondered if the instructor was ever young and cute—but that’s another story.

But, aren’t the real “invisible men” the ones who are young and not cute? I would think the pressure is enormous on young men—particularly gay men. This point was cemented when I read an article in the Dallas Morning News about the “hierarchy of hotness” at Abercrombie & Fitch stores. I can’t imagine someone unattractive even wanting to work there—I have trouble shopping there unless I’ve gone to the gym every day the previous week! This article alleges that ugly people don’t even get interviewed, marginally attractive people get to work in the stock room, and good-looking people work the floor. And, if something happens to impede their looks (i.e. a bad haircut, acne, loss of a limb), they are either banned from talking with customers or, in some cases, fired! While I don’t completely agree with A&F’s stance, I doubt a fat guy in a wheelchair with a bad perm and acne would have quite the impact of the shirtless greeters during the holiday season.

Many people consider Zac Efron both young and cute—and you may soon be able to see him in the flesh. We hear that he really wants to do a musical on stage. There were rumors that he’d reprise his film role of Link with the Broadway company of Hairspray since Ashley Parker Angel just left the role. But now we hear he’d like to tackle the West End and take on the title role of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (presumably playing Joseph and not the coat). U.K. sensation Lee Mead (who makes my heart go pitter-pat) will depart the production in January and Zac’s people have initiated some discussions. Fingers crossed.

Lance Bass, who was at one time young, is enjoying a side-benefit from his first two weeks of training for Dancing With The Stars—he’s lost five pounds. At this rate, he’ll be in fighting form by the finals!

Little Daniel Radcliffe just began previews of Equus on Broadway—complete with his infamous nude scene. Of course, you know the only place to see video footage from the U.K. production is BillyMasters.com. And now, some slightly blurry snaps from the first preview have fallen into our hands, which we’ll also post. These will have to do until I get there with our sophisticated photographic equipment once the show opens on Sept. 25. If you don’t see him in person, Radcliffe claims he’ll be naked in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which will be shot sometime next year. “At first I thought I’d have [underwear] on for the scene. Apparently not. But I’ve sort of done that before on stage. It’s all old hat now, really.”

The divinely talented Charles Busch is debuting his new play, The Third Story, at the La Jolla Playhouse on Sept. 16. The show focuses on three disparate stories that will somehow intertwine: a mother and son screenwriting team in the 1940s, the uneasy alliance between a mob queen and an icy female scientist and a Russian fairy tale in which a shy princess makes a dark pact with a mercurial witch! Charles will appear alongside one of my favorite actresses—Mary Beth Peil. It’s like a match made in heaven. I can’t wait!

Now we come to my favorite story of the week. Pamela Anderson was doing some press in Australia for her reality show Pam: Girl On The Loose. At a meet-and-greet in Sydney, a reporter pulled down his pants and asked Pam to autograph his undies—I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done that.  Pam had no objections (why would she?), until the writer pulled a chicken leg out of his briefs...begging the question, did Pam just think he was just happy to see her?  Anderson was horrified when he started chomping on the drumstick to protest her anti-KFC stance. I think she was more unhappy he didn’t whip out his dick.

Speaking of Pam, she’s refuted that ridiculous rumor that she and Michael Jackson are dating. Phew—that’s a relief ... for him! But she could catch a glimpse of his size 28 undies, since the ones that were confiscated during his molestation trial have somehow ended up with a businessman in New Jersey. The new owner is auctioning them off on eBay with a reserve of $1 million! A million for Michael Jackson’s underwear? Normally that’s what he pays after he gets into others’ undies!

David Beckham’s undies are somewhat larger than MJs, and Posh has famously claimed that he fills them quite well. Now we get confirmation from an independent source. Australian DJ Kyle Sandilands was greeted by Becks in that unmistakable soft feminine voice when they found themselves at neighboring urinals at a nightclub in LA. The DJ did what we’d all do—he snuck a peek. After explaining that some guys are growers and some are showers, he said, “Let’s just say he looks like he’s got it going on whether it’s happy or not.” Maybe he was just happy to see Kyle. Did anyone think of that??

It’s that time again—Gay Days Anaheim is right around the corner. For the 11th year in a row, gay people from around the country will converge on Disneyland Oct. 3-5 for a host of events, including a couples’ dinner, youth activities, dance parties and live performances. My favorite event is the Saturday night dance party, Kingdom, which will feature my darling Kimberly S as DJ, and live performances by Shoshana Bean, Matt Zarley and Erin Hamilton. You can get more information and a full schedule at GayDaysAnaheim.com.

The following weekend is one of my favorite extravaganzas of the year—Sheryl Lee Ralph’s “Divas Simply Singing.” This annual AIDS benefit takes place on Oct. 11 at the Wilshire Theater in Beverly Hills and not only routinely raises thousands of dollars but is also the best show in town. This year’s divas include Patti Austin, Loretta Devine, Siedah Garrett, Miki Howard, Roslyn Kind, and a possible taste of the reunited LaBelle—Patti LaBelle, Sarah Dash, Nona Hendryx. I can’t wait!

Speaking of divas, nothing like a presidential election year to drag Barbra Streisand out of Malibu. Although Hillary didn’t go the distance, Babs has thrown her considerable weight behind Barack, and will perform at an intimate fundraiser for the Democratic nominee on Sept. 16 at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. The event is expected to bring in almost $2 million for the campaign—or, as Hillary would refer to it ... interest.

This week’s “Ask Billy” question comes from Kenneth in Salt Lake City: Have you seen the Verne Troyer porno tape? I’d love to see it, or any nude photos if you’ve got ’em.

Is this really what my fans want? Really? It must be a Utah thing. Yes, I’ve seen the video. Yes, I’ll post it, against my better judgment. You can see his penis on BillyMasters.com and, I must say, it looks quite sizeable—but it could all be about proportion!

When I’m posting little people porn, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. Yes, I’m finally back in L.A. And I’ve hit the ground running with events scheduled for the next month. So I’ll have lots of first hand hob-nobbing to report on BillyMasters.com. If you have a hob that needs some nobbing, feel free to e-mail me at Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before I get a shift at A&F! So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.