Codependents ‘R’ US

by Dante

A “codependent,” in the addiction context, is someone who exhibits unhealthy caring for an addict. As I found out the hard way, the codependent usually needs help as badly as the addict.

I met “Mark” seven years ago. He was handsome, funny and successful. A year later, I moved in with him. I thought my “gay American dream” had come true. But within a few months, Mark’s behavior became erratic and moody. He started coming home late, or not at all, claiming he was busy at work.

My friends said Mark must be using meth, but I was in denial. “He’ll snap out of it soon,” I told myself. But he didn’t. Eventually I had to face the facts. After months of crying and begging him to change, I left him and the home I’d worked so hard for.

A year and a half later, Mark had lost his job, and was about to lose his apartment. I took him in; his part of the deal was to look for treatment. It was a nightmare. I cooked and cleaned. I even did his laundry. But while I was working every day, he was home working it, having tricks over, shooting up and destroying my apartment. Several times I stepped on dirty needles left on my living room floor. Mark was high and feeling great all the time. I was miserable and in despair.

After four months of this, I gave up my apartment to get away from Mark. I entered counseling and started attending Codependents Anonymous (CODA), and came to understand that I hadn’t been helping Mark by covering for him and taking him in. I was just enabling him to continue using by shielding him from the consequences of his addiction. More importantly, I learned that trying to “fix” Mark had become my addiction, and that I needed help as much as he did. I learned about drawing boundaries, and that it was OK to take care of myself first.

Mark ended up homeless. But when his unemployment ran out a few months later, and I wasn’t there to bail him out, he finally quit meth. He’s been clean now for almost three years. We’re back together, and this time, we’re both a lot healthier. This time, we are living the dream.

Codependents are not bad people doing bad things. Rather, we are unhealthy people caring for others in unhealthy ways. We are the loved ones of addicts, caring for them in ways that don’t work. We are often beautiful people with beautiful motives whose methods just don’t get the job done, individuals whose own sense of self-worth and self esteem is lacking. If you’re living with an addict, chances are you are codependent. The Village at Ed Gould Plaza offers CODA meetings Tuesday evenings. You can also visit lacoda.org for more information.

Dante, who did not wish to use his real name or his partner’s, is a certified substance abuse counselor and social worker living in West Hollywood.