by Billy Masters

“When she was on American Idol, she came in seventh. This year, the winner came in her!"
—Billy Masters’ perhaps less- than-gallant introduction of Kimberly Caldwell prior to her performance at L.A. Pride.

L.A. Gay Pride has come and gone, and the entertainment committee (headed by the tireless and under-appreciated Gaye Ann Bruno) pulled out all the stops and got two big names as our headliners—Joss Stone (doing her only Gay Pride celebration) and Olivia Newton-John (doing her only U.S. date in 2008). Our youngest audience in history went nuts over Joss, while Olivia was clearly the one that everyone wanted. But there were other people, too. American Idol was well represented by Kimberly Caldwell, Kimberley Locke (and her hot dancers) and Frenchie Davis—who I cajoled into singing “Seasons of Love” for the first time since leaving the Broadway company of Rent.

Throughout the weekend, we had surprise guests dropping in. Attorney Gloria Allred was a crowd pleaser since she brought the case for same-sex marriage to the California Supreme Court (and won). Leeza Gibbons was stunning when she showed up to introduce her friend Olivia Newton-John. And little Mikalah Gordon and Ross Matthews were bundles of energy bringing out Kimberly Locke. But, Billy only had eyes for one lady.

The moment I got word that Charo wanted to come by to welcome the crowd, I was in heaven. I've seen it all, I've met them all, but this was Charo! And I am thrilled to report she was everything I expected ... and more. She was sweet, fun, vivacious and smart as a whip. She pulled me aside backstage and went over how she wanted to be introduced repeatedly—each time getting more excited. Then, after I brought her onstage, she was yelling for Guillermo—which, of course, is me. When she explained to the audience that she was a classically trained guitarist, I found myself repeating things she said to make sure the audience got it. She chastised me in a heavily-accented voice saying, “I am speaking English, you don’t have to translate—what the hell is the matter with you?” We’re talking about taking our act on the road! In the meantime, I’ll run some footage on BillyMasters.com.

Around the country, gay boys watching the Tonys were literally salivating at the sight of Cheyenne Jackson in his short-shorts (which, if you ask me, could be shorter). Every time I’ve seen Chey, I’ve always enjoyed his performances, although I’m not entirely convinced that he's a “star.” Be that as it may, someone on the Fan Forum at BillyMasters.com posted this entry: “Years ago, Cheyenne was just an up and coming Seattle actor starring in local theater, including a run of Hair at one of our larger venues downtown. I happened to have a seat very close to the stage, so when the final scene [of act one] occurs, it was certainly fun to look around. I’ll just say that I assume that Cheyenne is a ‘grower,’ to put it politely.” And you people think I’m the bitchy one!

Speaking of packages, things at the soon-to-be-shuttered A Chorus Line are reaching a boil. As previously reported, Mario Lopez insisted on some changes when he joined the show. He wanted to be in a skimpier outfit (off went the sweater, on went a tank top) and wanted scene partner Nick Adams to not be sporting a tank top in their scenes together (he suddenly was wearing a hoodie). At the time, it was rumored that Mario felt he was being upstaged by Nick in the body department. It appears those fears were well founded, indeed. Representatives from 2(xist) undies went to see Lopez in the show and left signing Nick to be the company’s new underwear model! Judging from some side-by-side photos we've acquired, 2(xist) made the right choice. The company's creative director said it best: “Mario is a good-looking guy, but Nick has it all. He’s up and coming, the new face of sexy.” We’ll show you his face, and much more, on BillyMasters.com.

Mario can console himself with being named Hottest Bachelor by People magazine. The very hot accompanying pictorial showed Mario mimicking some famous sizzling shots of yesteryear—Christopher Atkins in The Blue Lagoon, Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise, Burt Reynolds’ People centerfold, Richard Gere in American Gigolo and even Marky Mark’s Calvin Klein underwear ad (which is almost as good as getting his own undies campaign). We’ll run these shots on our website.

Armani has just revealed a new ad campaign staring David Beckham—and his bulge. A fan told us that when the new billboard was revealed on the side of Macy’s in San Francisco, two cars literally collided. I don’t think “acts of bulge” are covered by most insurance policies!

I recently participated in a roast of L.A. drag legend, Momma. Now, you wouldn’t think that this is a natural segue given the previous underwear stories, but read on. I was asked to be on the dais alongside Ant, Alec Mapa, Calpernia Addams and several others—including Reichen. Oh, yes, there’s our transition right there. Ricky decided to pay homage to Momma by showing a slide show of his life, which took a strange turn when up popped some of his own underwear modeling shots (no reduction of his bulge was necessary). Ostensibly, these photos illustrated the point that meeting Momma has given him the courage to be himself and pose naked—or words to that effect. Then, for no apparent reason, he showed underwear shots of his on-again/off-again power-top boyfriend Ryan Barry—again, saying that because he loved himself, he was able to acquire a hot underwear model! It was quite odd, indeed. He scurried out before my turn at the podium, which was probably for the best. You see, in the great tradition of roasts, I not only went after Momma, but my fellow roasters. It seems everyone else thought this was a “testimonial,” and then mean old Billy Masters hit the stage. Reichen left in the nick of time!

We had quite a bump in traffic to our little website thanks to our exclusive video of Gilles Marini’s penis. Yes, the only website to have the full-frontal video of the Sex and the City hottie is BillyMasters.com. So, we’ll continue our exclusively clips with this week’s “Ask Billy” question. Randy in Key West asks: Have you heard about this video of Shia LaBeouf calling someone a faggot? All the websites I went to say the video is pulled, but I know you’ve got sources.

Yes I have, and yes I do. The video in question is allegedly from a couple of years ago and features Shia (who turned 22 last week) drinking with some buddies—which means the video is either one year old, or he was drinking underage. Anyway, LaBeouf tries to get one of his friends to hit him (actually, he wants to get “slapped” ... how butch) and taunts him by using the term “faggot.” Needless to say, everyone's panties are in a knot over this, and Shi immediately issued an apologetic statement saying it was a drunken game that got out of control and he’s very embarrassed by the footage. This would explain why all the websites housing it deleted the video, but not before I got ahold of it! You can watch it on BillyMasters.com.

When I’m sharing videos of Charo and Shia, it’s time to find someone with a normal name and end yet another column. I did hear some funny gossip from the Tonys — apparently Brooke Shields gave advice to Katie Holmes, who makes her Broadway debut in the fall. I dunno—that’s almost like me giving workout tips. Next week my summer vacation begins and I head east—likely entering the Witness Protection Program. One place I’ll definitely turn up is on BillyMasters.com. For specific questions, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Reichen gives anyone advice on scoring high on their SATs! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man’s bible.