By Billy Masters

"I'm sore. I couldn't even get off the toilet the other day. It hurts so bad. I don't know if it's I'm not coordinated or using muscles I never had to use before."

—Clay Aiken makes a startling confession to Newsweek. Don't jump to conclusions—he's talking about the rigors of rehearsing for his Broadway debut in Spamalot. Later in the chat, he had a little hissy fit when asked if he thought Kelly Ripa was homophobic, and abruptly ends the interview. Well, that's better than a denial.

Once we received news of Nicole Kidman's pregnancy, I was reminded of the old rumor that Tom Cruise never consummated their marriage due to a “pre-existing medical condition” (note that I cleverly avoided using any specific letters or mathematical symbols). On the same day Nic's good news was announced, we heard specifics about the contents of Andrew Morton's unauthorized bio on Cruisy. Nothing amuses me more than Tom and his attorney Bert Fields getting worked up into a tizzy. Fields alleges that Morton's book is based on rumors and outdated interviews. “There's no real independent research. [Morton] hasn't spoken to his mother, his sister, me, Paula Wagner, his agent, his wives, David Beckham, Will Smith, Jennifer Lopez or any of the famous directors he's worked with.” Yeah, ‘cause Tom, J-Lo and Becks were dying to have Morton over for tea and scones!

That Andy Morton is one clever cookie. With his more fantastic claims, he carefully words things in a way that avoids prosecution—a skill we've also mastered. Nothing is written without being attributed to a specific person or source. For the rumor that Katie Holmes was impregnated with the sperm of L. Ron Hubbard, Morton says, “Some fanatics even wondered if the actress had been impregnated with Hubbard's frozen sperm.” Of course, no one says where that frozen sperm would have come from. Why not say Tom thawed out Walt Disney and Katie had his kid!

Prior to Tom “dating” Miss Holmes, I reported that three actresses were up for the role of “consort.” Morton goes into detail about Sofia Vergara's “audition”—“Sofia told friends she had been deliberately targeted, not only as a possible bride for Tom, but as a high-profile Scientology recruit, who would be an alluring figurehead for a future recruitment drive in Latin America.” Penelope Cruz's father Eduardo was also concerned that his daughter was being drawn into a “cult.”

In reviewing the book, Entertainment Weekly states: “[Morton] compiles stout testimonials to the star's heterosexuality while carefully, non-libelously palpating rumors to the contrary.” One of the people Morton quotes is L. Ron Hubbard's son: “The first thing we wanted to know about someone we were auditing was his sexual deviations. All you've got to do is find a person's kinks, whatever they might be. Then you can fit a ring through their noses and take them anywhere. You promise to fulfill their fantasies, or you threaten to expose them.” Then another Scientology exec states, “These files come in handy if they want to blackmail you.” Wouldn't you like to get a peek in that filing cabinet?

One of our favorite people is having complications due to a recent appendectomy. Dame Edna Everage has been forced to cancel her upcoming U.S. tour because the doctors have demanded six months away from live performances—and there is still the possibility of follow-up surgery. Needless to say, the Dame and her audiences are devastated by the news. Of course, Edna denies the appendix reports and simply states she had “female troubles.”

Speaking of female troubles, Zac Efron was rushed into surgery this past week in a situation eerily similar to Dame Edna's. He too had appendicitis and had the pesky organ removed, which may have left a bit of a scar. Eh, he can just say it was a bad bikini wax.

File this under “How I spent the WGA strike.” Neil Patrick Harris and beau David Burtka extended their planned holiday getaway by enjoying the rays in Hawaii. Photos we'll run of them wearing board shorts and T-shirts show them looking infinitely more relaxed than when paparazzi surprised them upon their return to LAX.

Neil and Davey weren't the only celebs spotted in Hawaii. David Hasselhoff was on Oahu over the holidays—but he was absconded in a rehab (presumably near a hamburger joint).

In other vacation photos, 65-year-old Calvin Klein looked fit and trim in Miami—and should make all of us over a certain age feel good about wearing tank tops! He was photographed lunching al fresco in South Beach with a lad who appears to be about 30, which goes into 65 twice. Let's hope he did better than that.

Not to be outdone, designer Giorgio Armani was captured on his Caribbean vacation frolicking in a skimpy white Speedo—and not looking too shabby. Of course, seeing the 73-year-old Armani makes me feel almost giddy about my Speedo physique.

The Gay American Heroes Foundation is having a fundraiser on Jan. 26 here in West Hollywood. This organization has put together an exhibition that will tour schools and libraries paying tribute to folks who have been murdered because of their sexual orientation. “Silence the Hate ’08” will be held at East/West Lounge from 3-7 p.m. and will be attended by such luminaries as Chad Allen, Alan Cumming, Robert Gant, James Getzlaff, Iman, the Lane Twins, Reichen, Marcellas Reynolds, Christopher Rice and moi (I'm on the board). Please come and show your support for this great cause. You can get more information at www.GayAmericanHeroes.com.

Our spies on the set of the film version of Sex and the City tell us that the sex scenes between Kim Cattrall and Jason Lewis will top anything they've done in the past. In fact, because it's a theatrical release, the actors have more potential to push the envelope. From the photos we've received of them cavorting on a chaise and on the beach, it's pretty clear Jason has no problem with nudity. We'll post all on BillyMasters.com.

For the past several weeks, this question has been turning up in my “Ask Billy” box with alarming regularity from a variety of fans: How come no one has an uncensored photo of Woody Harrelson peeing on vacation? I figured it was right up your alley.

Big Daddy Masters likes to say “good things come to he who waits.” The wait is over—the shot, which ran around the world with a big red dot on Woody's nether regions is exposed on BillyMasters.com.

Gareth in the United Kingdom writes: Luv your wit and style. The new series of Torchwood debuted here this week. Mega hot scene between John Barrowman and James Marsters. Thought you and your Yank fans would enjoy it.

Never let it be said that I held out on my fans—Yanks or otherwise. I have come into possession of the entire episode which we will air on BillyMasters.com, including the intense (and very sexual) Barrowman/Marsters scene. Cheers, Gareth.

Could it be that a certain globetrotting guy has been getting messy in public? The cute coverboy has told everyone that he wants to find a sugar daddy “while I'm still young and pretty.” An odd stance given his hefty reality show win. First he was spotted chatting up some patrons at one of NYC's best places to pick up a rent-boy. Then he disappeared in the men's room with a significantly older daddy type at a recent Las Vegas concert. I guess that would make him “Slutty Spice!” Here's a bonus clue: It ain't Reichen.

When I'm giving my fans a good Yank, it's definitely time to end yet another column. I slipped in loads of extras this week, hope you can accommodate them. Be sure to check 'em all out on www.BillyMasters.com. If you've got any questions of your own, write me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Edna and Zac compare scars! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.