What a crazy world we live in, huh? It seems as if things are all topsy-turvy right now! A few examples of this include actor Owen Wilson’s recent suicide attempt and Idaho Republican Sen. Larry Craig’s airport restroom bust.

I am not a huge fan of Owen Wilson. I think he’s funny, but I don’t run out to see his movies like I do with Will Ferrell. Owen made me laugh in Zoolander and he’s a likeable enough guy. He’s young, rich, famous and good-looking in a way that doesn’t make people too bitter about it. Oh, and he’s also suicidal. This kind of 1+1=3 information rocks the boat inside all of us. It upsets our internal apple carts. It bashes at our personal hornet’s nests with a stick and leaves us muttering, “Does not compute,” like a confused robot. Why? Because it just doesn’t make sense! After all, this is America—Los Angeles specifically—where we are told repeatedly in flashing lights that money and fame and popularity and looks will make you happy. Au contraire, my not-so-pretty, unfamous friends! Just look at Lindsay and Britney and that hot mess, Amy Winehouse—who may not be a classic beauty like Lins and Brit, but has more talent in her bloodied, broken little finger than they have in their entire (underwear-eschewing) bodies. These gals are young, rich and famous! They should be having the times of their lives! Instead, they’re like three box cars that seem to be involved in a new and more disturbing train wreck every week. Take all this into account, along with the fact that some of the poorest and least-known people in the world are the happiest, and you get an age-old truth that has been embroidered on many a pillow and carved into many a piece of wood: Money does not buy you happiness. And neither does fame nor beauty. Depression and mental illness are equal opportunity employers. Which brings us back to dear, sweet Owen Wilson. Why? Only he knows the answer to this question, and I hope he’s getting help. In the meantime, may I share with you my list of celebrities that I wish would end it all? Thanks. They are perky and annoying TV cook (she is not a chef!) Rachael Ray; completely worthless, untalented, unsexy and unfunny late-night talk show host Carson Daly; “I’m-so-unpretentious-that-it’s-actually-downright-pretentious” standup comedian and now leading man Dane Cook; the most-boring man on the planet, whose big break was when his more-talented comic genius of a brother overdosed, Jim Belushi; and I would just love to see stills of a lifeless Paris Hilton in her oversized Jacuzzi tub, the water red with her iron-poor blood. Oh, and Zac Efron. Yuck.

Now let’s talk about Sen. Larry Craig. He claims he ain’t not gay, but he practically did a routine from Riverdance—complete with jazz hands—in the men’s room of the Minneapolis airport. Now, I am not here to discuss whether Larry, Miss Craig if you’re nasty, is gay or not. If you’re a regular reader, then you know that I always refrain from judging others. I would simply like to ask an even more important question and that is, “Why does it always have to be some hideous, uptight, old fart of a man who gets caught doing this shit?” If a male politician is going to get caught trying to capture the attention of an undercover cop in a public restroom why the hell couldn’t it have been hunky Barack Obama? Or better yet, why couldn’t it be a real celebrity that we actually know and are attracted to? May I share with you my list of hot famous dudes that I wouldn’t mind getting busy with in a bathroom stall—or anywhere for that matter? Thanks. They are re-donkey-diculous Irish actor Colin Farrell whose home-made sex tape should have been filmed with a wide-angle lens on a tripod (which just happens to also be my nickname for him); Fantastic Four hottie Chris Evans, who could be packing a not-so-fantastic 4 inches and still be sexy on account of that body and face; the inhumanly perfect Ryan Reynolds, who is almost as funny as he is f--kable; and super cheesy Mario Lopez, who is as dumb as a rock but just as hard. And former Saturday Night Live frat boy Chris Parnell. Yum. If any of these guys are reading this, meet me in the third stall of the men’s room near the luggage carousel at the Burbank airport at 3:17 p.m. on Tuesday, Sept. 25. I’ll be wearing a hot pink “I’m Not Gay!” T-shirt with turquoise Dolphin shorts, orange crocs and a rainbow fanny pack full of Magnum condoms.

Jackie’s selling her Beaver! That’s right, her new full-length CD, Beaver, is now available on www.jackiebeatrules.com or on eBay! Also available: Put It In Me!, Natural Woman, Jackie Beat is Comin’ To Town and Holiday Ho Live.

illustration by www.glenhanson.com