From creating a great profile to meeting a prospective paramour, Jack Mauro tackles the world of Internet dating in his new book, M4M.

By Richard Andreoli

LABunBoy loves long walks on the beach. HungTop4U seeks STR8-acting antique collectors. And LeatherLVR is a VGL PBP who SO UC cigar-smoking MASC studs or MM for PNP, FF, TT, CBT, SCAT, WS and possible 3RD in LTR. U-game? S2R w/STATS.

Look familiar? The Internet has introduced millions of people to endless possibilities, especially in terms of cruising and dating. Men and women can make friends and arrange hook-ups without the anxiety, embarrassment or awkwardness one sometimes experiences in public. But it’s also a world without rules, where a simple slip on the keyboard may prove insulting, and that sweet profile you created can stunt your sex life.

Fortunately, there’s Jack Mauro’s book M4M: For an Hour or Forever—The Gay Man’s Guide to Finding Love Online. Combining sharp wit with useful tips and informative explanations, Mauro makes cruising the ‘net fun again. From creating screen names that won’t turn off horny dudes (NellyBtmBoi, anyone?) to generating strong profiles, utilizing proper chat etiquette and learning to handle IM advances or rejections, everything is covered. Mauro even addresses what to do when that supposedly hot trick turns you instantly cold: very helpful, indeed.

We contacted Mauro at his home in Knoxville, Tenn., for more Internet insight.

In M4M you use real-life stories to illustrate points. If examples exist, doesn’t that imply we already know how to cruise online?

We should know how, [but there are a] vast number of profiles that are as angry as hell and sick of the whole game. It's a vicious cycle, born from a common and very naive approach to online cruising.

What do you mean?

Way too many guys turn to the Internet and don't immediately get the action and/or love they expect. So they get downright hostile in their profiles and chat rooms, which leads to even less action. Forget the millions of mistakes made with pics and IMs. This issue increasingly infects all gay online interaction. It's not pretty, and it's a big reason I wrote the book.

What can cripple someone’s successful online experience?

A bad assessment of what you’re doing in this virtual reality. We log on and know millions of guys are hunting there, too. So we either wait for hot studs to find us or we go into a cruising frenzy, messaging and e-mailing everyone with good pecs. Both scenarios are usually wastes of time. My main focus in M4M was to illustrate how you have to approach [Internet dating] just as you would in the outside world.

What are three bad mistakes an online cruiser can make?

—Harassing the dude who made it clear you’re not his type. Grabbing onto his legs won’t make him like you.

—Thinking that that dude who ignored you was just away from his computer. That’s like thinking your date didn’t make it because a bus hit him.

—Arrogance. I don’t care how hot you are. It’s the biggest erection killer since Clay Aiken.

Sometimes elements in a letter or instant message look like a dozen red roses, but are really a dozen red flags. Thoughts?

As red flags go, urgency is downright scarlet. When the guy you've just made contact with suddenly throws down a now-or-never ultimatum, go with never. We all get as horny as a herd of pack mules in season, but the man who demands a hook-up [early] in your contact is treacherous. He's jumping in with too little knowledge of you [so] he's either far too trusting or, more likely and scarier, he'll go with anything. This is probably not your idea of a great date.

How should someone interpret the tone of an instant message?

Go with your gut. If something’s telling you to back away, listen to it. It isn’t only the words, either. The speed of IM responses, the attitude you’re feeling behind them, is all information.

What things annoy you with online profiles?

Absurd length. When you open a profile and see copy that looks like a rough draft of War And Peace, you click the hell out. I sure do.

So a good profile is brief?

The less said, the better. If sex is your aim, say so. You don’t have to say more unless your appetites are specific. Too many men seem to think that guys don’t know what a “bottom” is and go to great lengths explaining it.

Seriously?

Sweet Jesus, they use exclamation points! The mechanics are better negotiated after. Once you’ve both decided that hotness is connecting you, the odds are you’ll figure out activities that’ll do the trick (Sorry).

Your section about guys whining in their profiles was genius.

I’m stunned at how many guys [write] “Where are all the real men?”, “Why do so many guys lie?” and “C’mon, studs, why don’t you hit me up? I’m worth it!” These are things to say to a mirror, not on a profile.

Have you had your own crazy online experience?

I was hoping to forget this one, but [this guy] was great online. He was great on the phone, too. He was my type, really masculine, not kinky.

But...?

He arrived at my house in his underwear. That is, he drove over in his underwear—briefs, not boxers, and with strategic holes in them. He exited his car in his underwear and he walked to my door in his underwear. I was simultaneously admiring his courage and thinking of how to get rid of him.

What happened?

He expressed his need for me to stick my foot in his mouth. While pissing on him. Somehow, I got him out. I think I invented a public bathroom streaming with urine just down the road. I vowed to never hook-up online again. Until the next morning, at least.

Talking screen names, do we have the right to mock someone who uses the word “boi” to describe himself?

No. We have a duty to do so.

What’s the worst name you’ve ever seen?

There are a slew of stinkers, all incredibly graphic, depicting in letters how Grand Canyon-esque their owners’ rear ends are. Like, GapinHole4U2CumIn. Call me fussy, but I can’t get turned on by sloppy tenths.

To find out more about M4M or Mauro’s book tour, visit www.jackmauro.com.