by Billy Masters

“I had five guys looking at my shriveled, burned penis. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. I’m good ... now. Now my penis is fantastic. One hundred percent recovered. Put me back in the game, coach.”

—Channing Tatum tells Details magazine about a mishap on the set of The Eagle of the Ninth which included a wet suit, cold temperatures and a kettle of boiling water. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination—but I’ll run an unscorched pic of his penis on BillyMasters.com.

I get inspiration from the most diverse places. I was reading the Christmas bulletin in church and was struck by an essay entitled “Christmas Gifts for Tough Economic Times.” The message was that if things are tight financially, you shouldn’t feel obligated to spend money on holiday gifts. You could, instead, offer one of the following gifts to a loved one: the Gift of Understanding, the Gift of Thoughtfulness, the Gift of a Good Example or the Gift of Caring. At that very moment, the collection plate came my way. I thought of setting a good example and being thoughtful enough to give the gift of caring. But the usher didn’t look all that understanding. It’s hard to put these gifts into a dish filled with currency!

Last week, I told you how a few celebs rang in the new year. As we went to press, we hadn’t yet heard about the Rivers Family celebration.  As I’m sure many of you have heard, Joan Rivers ran into a snafu at the Costa Rican airport — let me put on my surprised face. Auntie Joan states that although she got through four checkpoints without incident, she was not allowed to board the Continental flight because the gate agent could not understand why her passport said “Joan Rosenberg, AKA Joan Rivers.” Of course, Rosenberg is her married name, and Rivers is her performing name. While all of this is true, it appears that the two names on her passport were not why she was barred from boarding. Apparently, her boarding pass was made out in the name of “Joseph Rosenburg”! Wrong name, wrong sex! Obviously this was not Joanie’s fault, and surely one of the earlier checkpoints should have noticed this error.  But, rules are rules and if the boarding pass doesn’t match the name on the ID, then the person can't board ... period. Except, of course, in an exception you’ll read about later in this column (we in the business call that a “teaser”).

On the other side of the spectrum, alleged insiders are speculating that Kathy Griffin has been banned from CNN after using the “f-word” on New Year’s Eve. Trust me—CNN knows exactly what they’re getting with Kath, and they're not all that concerned.

Cher is finally back at work on a film set. She’s playing a madam of a burlesque house. Of course, “burlesque” is a fancy word for a hooker who can carry a tune! In this case, the tune is being sung by Christina Aguilera, who stars alongside Cher in Burlesque, a film written and directed by our own Steve Antin. Pics from the set have surfaced showing Cher and Chrissy looking fabulous. You know who else looks good? Cam Gigandet (who was so hot in Twilight). In the pics we’ll post on our website, Aguilera is sitting on a motorcycle and is grabbing him from behind — something I’d enjoy doing! The flick also stars Stanley Tucci, Kristin Bell, Julianne Hough, Eric Dane and Alan Cumming.

Kristin Chenoweth is going forward with plans to play Dusty Springfield in a biopic which she will co-produce! Lest you think Dusty’s lesbianism will not be included, think again. Chenoweth even has someone in mind to play her onscreen lover — Kerry Washington, who is currently starring in David Mamet’s Race on Broadway. “Dusty had a relationship with an African-American woman and she was supposedly very attractive. Kerry is a great actress and I think we’d be amazing together.” Washington is all for the pairing. In fact, she ran into Kris at a restaurant and exclaimed, “I would love to be your lesbian lover.” She continues, “It’s very exciting. I feel like I’ve been waiting to make out with her forever.” That makes one of us.

Logo has announced a slate of new shows and, well, I suppose I should muster some enthusiasm. But really? A second show for RuPaul? A floral arranging competition? Following stylist Robert Verdi? One may accuse the Logo line-up of not being particularly inspired, but you can’t accuse it of not being gay enough! The show everyone is talking about is Kept. No, not that trainwreck where Jerry Hall tried to find a boy toy. This is a different trainwreck altogether. It’s a reality show about older, rich gay men in New York, and the young, cute boys who aspire to live off them. Why didn’t they just call it The Real Houseboys of Chelsea?

This week’s “Ask Billy” question comes from Justin in Miami: Have you heard about these twin guys who had sex with each other in a gay porn?  I don't remember their names, but I saw them at a club and they were really hot — making out and grabbing each other. Do they really have sex in the film? And are they really brothers?

I’m assuming you're talking about Milo and Elijah Peters, known as the Peters Twins (a last name I somehow doubt shows up on their Czechoslovakian birth certificates). The 19-year-olds were scooped up by Bel Ami and have turned up in a number of DVDs. I assume you saw them at Johnny’s in Fort Lauderdale. Interestingly enough, they experienced a glitch right out of the Joan Rivers story that opened this column. You see, the airline misspelled their names on the tickets (which, again, leads us to believe it wasn’t “Peters”). Unlike Joanie, the boys were able to sweet-talk their way on board, proving once and for all that airline personnel is far more amenable to hot Czech twins than an old Jewish woman. Uber-agent Howard over at Fabscout got on the phone and had the names fixed before the boys landed at JFK. BTW, sexy Johan Paulik tagged along as the boys’ chaperone and also filmed the trip for members of BelAmiOnline.com.

Back to the sex portion of this story. Their most recent Bel Ami video doesn’t include any co-stars. Just the two of them and can be found on the Bel Ami website. It’s been titled Brotherly Love, and that pretty much sums it up. Kissing, touching, oral, anal, you name it, the boys do it—and without any, um, “inhibitions.” My colleague JC Adams over at GayPornTimes.com interviewed the boys. One quote jumped out at me. Milo said, “I have my brother if I want something. I love my brother and doing sex with him is just normal.” Not the word I’d come up with, but I must say—they are awfully hot, as you’ll see on BillyMasters.com. And, yes, we show everything, too.

When I’m talking about twin brothers who know each other in the biblical sense, it’s time for me to get down on my knees, pray and end yet another column. By the time you read this, the Golden Globes will be a thing of the past. But my report from the festivities will be a thing of the future—which you can read about next week on BillyMasters.com. While I’m settling back into my Hollywood life, I’m still around to answer all your questions. Just drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before TSA strip searches the Peters Twins! So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.