Dear Readers,

I think you know me well enough to realize that I rarely get pleasure upon learning that an overrated, marginally talented entertainer has suffered a professional setback. So you can imagine how little excitement and sheer, unadulterated joy I felt when not one — but two — of my least favorite pop tarts were publicly outed recently for their lack of genuine talent.

First there was Ashlee Simpson, the pop “singer” and “actress” who surgically corrected the one thing about her that even bordered on interesting—her nose. Honey, you know there’s a problem when you are widely considered the less talented and least famous of two sisters—and your sibling is Jessica Simpson! So, as everyone now knows, Ashlee, her perfect nose and her new boring size zero body were all unceremoniously fired from Melrose Place. The official word is that this was all planned from the get-go, but insiders are saying it’s actually because Ms. Simpson can’t act her way out of a wet paper bag.

Anyone who has experienced her lackluster performance on the show would have to agree that her style is more suited to a faux reality vehicle like The Hills, upon which the “actors” fail spectacularly at what would seem like something just about anyone could do—portraying one’s self. If you can’t even play yourself, maybe it’s time to quit show business and get a job at Forever 21 (or as I affectionately call it, Pushing 40).

It also didn’t help matters that Ashlee’s salary was reportedly higher than the other actors. The only thing higher than her salary had to be the idiot who hired her! So, chalk one up for all the real actors here in Hollywood who study their craft and wait tables while waiting for their big break. And although I don’t expect to see Ashlee organizing a sunglass rack at The Glendale Galleria, it’s nice to know that someone had the balls to look her in the slightly retarded eyes and say, “You can’t act, bitch. And you’re fired!” And before you get all offended and write an email, I have the medical paperwork to prove that I am, in fact, “slightly retarded” and therefore allowed to cavalierly throw that phrase around. So suck it.

And speaking of sucking, can we please now talk about Britney Spears? Yes, Britney, whose Australian fans stormed out of her recent concert to demand their money back! Why? Because the hillbilly ho was lip-synching! I LOVE IT! I just about shot a tranny load when I heard this story. Unlike Americans, I guess those demanding and petty Australians still expect their “singers” to actually sing. Who’d-a-thunk? I mean, that’s crazy, right? You know what’s f-cking crazy? That VIP tickets to Brit’s glorified karaoke night down under were $1300—that’s crazy!

I mean, this is a woman who should be selling corn dogs at Knott’s Berry Farm, not headlining a world concert tour! This is a woman who thinks it’s okay to drive on an L.A. freeway with an unrestrained baby on her lap, walk barefoot in a filthy gas station restroom and flash her bald beaver to the paparazzi! This is what happens when cousins mate.

And this ain’t the first time Britney’s fans have demanded their hard-earned money back—oh no! There is even a website called RefundFromBritney.com where Vancouver fans claim her concert was brought to a screeching halt because the stage had become “too smoky” and might be hazardous for the performers. After nearly 30 minutes, Spears came back on stage and resumed her crappy performance from where she had left off. Fans got pissed, since the so-called “dangerous” smoke was coming from the production’s smoke machines. This really is the ultimate irony when you consider that Britney’s allure is, in fact, merely smoke and mirrors.

I know I’m old, but whatever happened to a singer with a microphone, standing in a simple spotlight, singing? I love theatrics and choreography as much as the next faggot, but it has to be in addition to some real and basic talent. You can’t just throw a handful of glitter on a turd and expect people to not only love it, but gobble it up! People, wake up and smell the Cheetos! The emperor has no clothes and the pop star has no talent! Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain! Just smile and try to convince yourself that you’re having fun while being screwed with no lube by a former Mouseketeer whose attitude to anyone who dare question her ability or lack of starpower is, “F-ck me!” (oh-so-creatively disguised as the rotten song, “If You Seek Amy”). Yes Britney, f-ck you indeed. I ain’t buyin’ your BS—and you know what? I still want my money back, bitch!

illustration by glenhanson.com