by Billy Masters

“When people say, ‘You care more about money than winning an Oscar,’ well, what does an Oscar mean? An Oscar means more work when you win it, and that means more money. I couldn’t eat that Oscar. Everybody needs money, baby.”
—Mo’Nique addresses reports that she’ll only promote Precious if she gets paid. ‘Cause if it comes down to an Oscar or a pizza, I think we know which she’d choose!

Unlike Mo’Nique, I’m in the midst of a media blitz—and no-one’s paying me a cent! First I was seen walking into the Emmys with Justin Timberlake on Access Hollywood. The next week, “Hot Topics” on The View.  Lord only knows where I’ll end up next—”Issues with Jane Valez-Mitchell” or “Axe Men,” I reckon.  Thanks to Sherri Shepherd who so subversively tossed out “my friend, Billy Masters” without a single explanation—as if to say, “You don’t know who he is? Where have you been?” Where indeed.

I’ve been to quite a number of places. We just had the annual gala for the Point Foundation, the nation’s largest academic scholarship program for LGBT students. Emmy winner Cherry Jones was honored in a hysterical presentation by Lily Tomlin. Swoosie Kurtz and Adam Shankman did such a good job on stage — they should take their act on the road. And my darling Frenchie Davis brought down the house with a fab version of “I Am Changing.”  The uplifting evening raised oodles of dollars to help put deserving LGBT youth through college.

When I moved to Los Angeles over a decade ago, one of the first events I attended was the world premiere of Naked Boys Singing at the Celebration Theatre. The show now returns to its West Hollywood roots at the Macha Theatre. Although I’ve been advised that it would be poor taste to mention that the current incarnation will do nothing to dim the magic of the original production and cast, it’s true. Then again, no subsequent cast has touched that first group of “boys.” However, it must be said that the capacity crowd enjoyed every inch of this incarnation, which is slated to run through Nov. 22.

You want equal rights? Well you’ve got ‘em—at least in terms of reality television. The folks at Logo are casting a new show called Kept. I’ll give you a second to come up with the premise. Got it? Think of it as the gay version of the Real Housewives franchise. In fact, Kept and Housewives share the same producers. Let me quote from the casting call: “A-List gay men in the range of 20 to mid 30s who have steady relationships or dated extremely established successful men, or have that as a goal. Very interested in couples where one guy is the ‘breadwinner,’ the other living large on his dime.” That describes virtually every gay couple in West Hollywood!

Speaking of gay couples, George Michael and Kenny Goss have been in the news. Last week it was reported that the boys’ 13-year relationship had come to an end. The rumor was that Kenny finally said, “Enough is enough” — maybe Donna Summer was visiting! Anyhoo, Georgie’s people issued a statement that Kenny had not left George. He just happened to be in Dallas tending to business at his art gallery, but was scheduled to be back in London by the end of the week. “They are planning a lovely weekend together,” said the mouthpiece. We’ll see.

In some domestic theater news, The Pee-wee Herman Show is already the hottest ticket in L.A. — and it doesn’t even open for another month. Strike that — three months. Yes, due to the unexpected demand (which really kicked into high gear after his appearance on The Jay Leno Show), Pee-wee’s alter ego, Paul Reubens, felt the need to change the opening date and the venue. Now the show will debut on Jan. 12 at Club Nokia at L.A. Live for a limited four-week run. If you can’t get to L.A., the latest rumor is that instead of following up the L.A. run with the proposed national tour, Pee-wee and company will head directly to New York City. None of this is placating his die-hard fans who had not only purchased tickets for the November shows, but also bought airline tickets to fly in for the events. Honey, I’ve been there!

Levi Johnston has announced that he’s taking an offer from Playgirl to pose nude. How nude he’ll be is up in the air. For a while, he was musing whether he’d go full-frontal or full-backal. No details on that, but his lawyer said Johnston wants to look his best: “He is in the gym six days a week for the next three weeks.” When asked when we could expect to see the pics, the same lawyer said that the issue should be out before the end of the year. I wonder if anyone told Levi that Playgirl stopped printing a hard copy of the magazine back in January.

I was doing my daily research when I came across a story regarding a woman from the show Wife Swap. This gal was reportedly cheating on her husband (whom she had previously slashed with a knife—but that’s another story) via text with a fireman named Michael Biserta. This name rang a bell, so I went back to check my old columns and, sure enough, I wrote about him. Back in 2007, a New York fireman (who was the cover model for the “2008 FDNY Firefighters Calendar”) was featured on the Guys Gone Wild DVD naked and sporting one of the largest penises I’ve ever seen. And, to make it better, he was really cute and had a great body — you usually don’t hit the trifecta of looks, body and penis. I assume he’s dumb as a stump, ‘cause if not, he’d be in the Guinness Book of World Records. Back to the current story—he claims he was never “physical” with this woman, despite one text which read: “If your [sic] in Brooklyn you can stop by. [It] won’t be like last time so I wouldn’t even bother ... It’s usually not that quiet around the fh [firehouse] but we’ll work something out.” It certainly sounds like someone did something to someone at some time. If you want to see every inch of Biserta any time (we’re talking 9.5 inches), then head to BillyMasters.com.

We have time for a quickie “Ask Billy” question. This one came from Howard in San Francisco: Do you watch Cougar Town? Who is that hottie banging Courteney Cox?

The hottie in question is Nick Zano. You may remember him from What I Like About You, where he played heartthrob Vince. He always looked short to me, but he’s actually 6’1”. Some other details: his real last name is Crapanzano, he’s been in a long-term relationship with Haylie Duff, he’s 31 years old (which really means he’s almost as old as his “cougar”), was Associate Producer on a World AIDS Day special hosted by Lou Diamond Phillips and used to be a shoe salesman at Kenneth Cole. His role as Josh on Cougar Town may be short-lived; we hear Cox wants her character to play the field. If she keeps coming up with guys like Zano, I’m all for it. Until then, I’ll post his pics on BillyMasters.com for your viewing pleasure.

When Michael Biserta’s trysts are too loud for even firemen, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. You know how I always tell you to check out BillyMasters.com? This week, even I had to check it out. When I was researching the Biserta story, I went directly to the Billy Masters Archives, where you will find every column I’ve written since 1998! If you’ve got a question, drop a note to me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Logo orders an all-gay version of Cougar Town! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.