Los Angeles is not known as a theater town by any means. Most productions here are merely thinly-veiled showcases for actors as they desperately attempt to be cast as the kooky next-door neighbor on a crappy sitcom or the felon-du-jour that is justifiably murdered and dismembered by America’s most lovable serial killer, Dexter.

When I first sat down to write Whatever Happened To Busty Jane?, I had to ask myself, “Why should we bother to do this project as a stage play in front of 75 people a night for just a few weeks?”—as opposed to filming it once and making it available to tens of thousands of people via gay film festivals and eventually YouTube, forever. And the answer that popped into my creative little head was a simple “Because we can!” The sad truth is that there are not many performers out there who can do underground, low-budget live theater. It’s a lot of hard work, time and energy, not to mention blood, sweat and tears. But unlike a film or video project, there is, as they say, “The smell of the greasepaint, the roar of the crowd.” Nothing compares to live performance—thanks to the connection between the actors onstage and those appreciative people in the audience. And so a play it was! I cast all my talented friends—Mario Diaz, Nadya Ginsburg, Sam Pancake, Selene Luna—and most importantly, myself, in the titular role. I sat down recently with my character, Busty Jane Hardon, as she sipped a Zima and discussed what it’s like to be a parody of an iconic fictional character from an infamous camp classic.

JACKIE BEAT: For my younger readers who may not be familiar with you or your work, who exactly is Busty Jane Hardon?

BUSTY JANE: I can’t imagine anyone not knowing who I am! I am very famous! I am the most famous female porn star ever, thanks to my many, many movies! And there’s even an official Busty Jane blow-up doll!

JB: I understand that you and your brother, Branch, live together in a fabulous West Hollywood condo?

BJ: Yes, the place is amazing—full of black lacquer furniture, Patrick Nagel prints and neon. My brother, who is not as famous as me of course, was gay porn’s very first “power bottom.” He’s in a wheelchair now and his hobbies include doing the Rubik’s cube, watching Dynasty and incessantly pushing that annoying buzzer next to his zebra-print futon.

JB: Sounds like you two might be trapped in the ‘80s. So what’s next for you? Any upcoming projects?

BJ: As a matter of fact, I’m planning a big comeback! Of course, I’ll have to update my act a bit for today’s audience! I plan on getting larger breast implants and I’m going to start doing double penetration! I might even get my asshole bleached!

JB: Delightful. So why should someone reading this come see your play instead of, say, buying the latest Chi Chi LaRue DVD or a pair of overpriced flip-flops?

BJ: Because this is every faggot’s dream come true! Imagine Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? combined with late ‘70s/early ‘80s porn! There won’t be a dry seat in the house!

JB: Sounds like loads of fun. Anything else you can tell us?

BJ: Just that there’s a pet gerbil named Poppers, a pedophile rice queen living next door, a sassy Puerto Rican housekeeper and a totally bitchin’ music video by The Busty Jane Dancers!

JB: I’m sold! Thanks for the shameless plug.

BJ: No problem, honey. I love gettin’ plugged!

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BUSTY JANE? Fridays, Saturdays & Sundays, Nov. 6-15 at The Cavern Club Celebrity Theater, 1920 Hyperion Ave., L.A. Tickets or more info: Acteva.com/Go/JackieBeat

illustration by glenhanson.com