When it comes to comedy, I am essentially a spoiled brat. In other words, I want to say and do whatever I want! Do you have any idea how dangerous it is right now to be that kind of comedian?

One false move and your career, for all intents and purposes, is over! Take for instance former Seinfeld goof Michael Richards and his notorious N-word-fueled fall from grace. I know this story is older than the last two remaining Golden Girls, but honey, if someone in the audience at one my shows was heckling and repeatedly saying the worst possible thing one can say about/to a comedian—that I was not funny—you had better believe I would go for the jugular.

That means if he is fat, has hideous hair, a speech impediment, is a little person, is covered in horrible third degree burn scars, is a flaming faggot, is a stupid blonde bitch with fake double D’s or is any race or nationality—I am going to seize on that particular fact and start fighting back verbally.

And it is a fight, people. If you’ve never done stand-up comedy, then you’ll never understand the feeling of life or death that can wash over you as you stand sweating in the merciless glare of that unflattering spotlight, pretending not to care—while you are, in fact, essentially standing there naked, begging complete and utter strangers to love you! Sounds dramatic, but it’s true. God love Andy Kaufman, who I honestly believe didn’t give a flying f-ck what people thought, but he is the exception to the rule, trust me. When all hell breaks loose, the human instinct of course is “fight or flight,” but what comic worth their salt is going to get upset and simply run off stage?

The reason I bring all this up is because I am getting a lot of flack for some recent YouTube videos in which I play Chaz Bono. Yes, I am wearing Sears Husky jeans, a trucker’s cap and mirrored aviator sunglasses. Yes, I am drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbon tall-boy and speaking in a butch baritone. It’s comedy, people! If I played Chaz with sensitivity and restraint, it wouldn’t be very funny, now would it? Nor would it be funny if my gal-pal comic actress, Nadya Ginsburg, didn’t warp and twist every vocal and facial expression as part of her hilarious impersonation of Cher. And I won’t even discuss how funny comedian Selene Luna is as the teeny tiny ghost of Chaz’s mustachioed daddy, Sonny Bono. Again, it’s comedy. It’s theater of the ridiculous.

Do the math: The daughter of America’s most outrageous and flamboyant gay icon wants to become a man. If you don’t think this is fertile ground for comedy, go move to Calcutta and take care of the lepers!

And thank God for the always supportive Roseanne Barr, who not only let us use her TV studio (and executive produced these videos), but appears along side us all in two gross-out commercial parodies that feature her eating an Activia-like product made of human feces and lifting her dress to reveal her “Glady Plug-In”! She is such an amazing and fearless comedian who has paid dearly for not being a good little girl or always acting like a lady. Anyone who thinks Roseanne hates America because she verbally molested the National Anthem or is a Nazi-in-Jew’s-clothing because of her recent (and yes, shocking!) photo shoot as a hausfrau Hitler for HEEB Magazine, is a full-blown moron with irony-poor blood. And now she’s getting grief—not merely from touchy online anonymous lunatics, but mainstream publications like Us Weekly—for being a part of these Cher & Chaz sketches. Look, if a transsexual is personally offended, that is definitely their right—but if you feel the need to be offended for them, then guess what? You are treating them with kid gloves and walking on eggshells as to not upset the vulnerable and sensitive trannies. I’ve got news for you, most TS’s I know can take care of themselves just fine, thank you very much!

And now, if you’ll excuse me, this transgendered individual must go work on my stand-up routine for the upcoming Logo special “One Night Stand,” co-starring Varla Jean Merman and Coco Peru. Gee, I sure hope I don’t offend anyone!

ONE NIGHT STAND, Sun. Sept. 20, 7 p.m. The Broad Stage, 1310 11th St., Santa Monica. Tickets and more info: alloutfilms.com or (800) 873-3557

illustration by glenhanson.com