by Billy Masters

“Like, yeah, a lot of people want me to be their gay best friend, I make a really good gay best friend. But I don’t like guys, so it confuses people. I do hair, and I’ll sit in the corner and knit. So it confuses people."

—Sanjaya proclaims his heterosexuality. I’m not confused. And I’m not convinced.

When, oh when, will people learn? Let’s say, for example, photos of you having unprotected sex surfaced. Maybe you were embarrassed — especially since you’re touted as some sort of role model. You might issue a statement and hope that the whole thing blows over. What’s the absolute worst thing you could do? Threaten websites (including, for instance, BillyMasters.com) with a lawsuit if said photos aren’t removed. Your grounds would be an infringement on intellectual property, although clearly your ass doesn’t have the IQ necessary to require a condom for entrance. Everyone else might have buckled, but what you’d really do is push Billy Masters to reveal that your sexual partner in said photos was no long-term companion. He’s actually a companion for hire who does web porn out of his college dorm. The gay-for-pay topper Twittered the following fetching prose: “I’m doing a Live Cam show tomorrow evening for tuition money.” Charming.

So, let’s recap—you, the “role model,” were in an unsafe sexual relationship with a non-monogamous partner who peddles his wares on the Internet. I just wanna get it straight. Not that I’m mentioning any names, or even initials like Dude Loves Barebacking. If the photos can’t be shown (and that’s debatable), we have the next best thing. We asked a talented artist to provide us with renderings of the copulation in question—in keeping with the grand tradition of courtroom sketches. Clearly we can legally run these works of art. Right?

In case anyone is feeling that people are attacking poor DLB, that he is a role model and a good person and this story should not be reported…you’re wrong. Don’t shoot the messenger. Our job is to report gossip about famous and marginally-famous people—and in this case, it’s not even gossip; it’s fact. He’s in the public eye and he did this tape, presumably of his own free will. No one put a gun to his head and forced him to take that large unsheathed appendage up his derrière. In fact, the Dude looks mighty happy in the pics. As Nana Masters used to say, “Better safe than sorry”—of course, she said it in Albanian. Our auteur wasn’t safe—and, boy, is he sorry!

We interrupt this regularly scheduled column to announce that the artist formerly known as Chastity Bono, daughter of Sonny and Cher, will now go by Chaz Bono, son of Sonny and Cher! Yes, that strapping gal is undergoing gender reassignment and transitioning into a man—which may surprise those of you who thought she already was a man!  It reminds me of a story someone told me at GLAAD. After Chastity resigned, they found a huge dildo in the back of one of her desk drawers. Now they'll find an itty-bitty one in her drawers!

Congrats also go out to our dear friend Sheryl Lee Ralph. The original “Dreamgirl” has joined the cast of the musical version of The First Wives Club, which will debut this summer at the Old Globe Theatre in San Diego. She’ll be taking on the role of “Elyse,” played on screen by Goldie Hawn. By the by, the show also features our own Sam Harris and is being fast-tracked for Broadway later this year.

L.A. Gay Pride week kicked off with a performance by Shoshana Bean at the famed Ford Amphitheatre. This was presented by Upright Cabaret, L.A.’s best showcase for real singers (Adam Lambert’s former artistic home). The group also kicked off the L.A. Gay Pride parade with a concert featuring many of my favorite people: Valarie Pettiford, Jai Rodriguez, Eden Espinosa, Jake Simpson, P.J. Griffith, Jennifer Leigh Warren, Brenna Whitaker, Audra Mae, and a kick-ass band. It was so great, I’ll post it for you to watch on BillyMasters.com.

I once again hosted L.A. Pride’s mainstage, and it was a cavalcade of stars. The highlight for me was Deborah Cox (we’ll share a video on our website). Every time we work together, I’m so overwhelmed by Deborah’s immense talent, to say nothing of her beauty and generosity of spirit. If it’s spirit people wanted, Fantasia brought the crowd to church with a fabulous, high-stakes performance that never let up (and she even dragged me up to dance with her). Diva Debby Holiday, Blake Lewis, Exposé, Terri Nunn and Berlin all contributed to the best gay pride festival I’ve ever hosted—and that’s going back to Stonewall 25 in New York! Happy Pride.

Everyone seems to be overcome with the gay pride spirit. Even Ricky Martin! On the cover of TV Aqui magazine (you know you’ve got a subscription), there is a tantalizing headline: “Ricky Martin accepts the possibility that his heart could belong to a man or a woman.” Of course, they ran it in Spanish, but I’m known for my foreign tongue. What we don’t know is the context. After all, even Miss Elton once married a woman!

Perpetual virgin Brooke Shields feels she waited too long to give it away. But she feels emotionally she was unable to connect with someone else because she hadn't learned to love herself. "I would have lost my virginity earlier than I did, at 22, because I would have been much more in touch with myself." Another problem might have been that until she was 22, she'd only dated gay guys!

This week’s “Ask Billy” question comes from Larry in Pittsburg:“What ever happened to those college wrestlers who did gay porn? Are they gonna do more?”

After extensively researching this story, I came to two conclusions—these boys are both incredibly hot and they’re also morons. Paul Donahoe appears to be completely clueless and never thought anyone would find out because they posed for a gay site. Kenny Jordan was more eloquent—“We didn’t kill anybody, you know? We didn’t put anybody in the hospital, you know? We’re not selling drugs, you know? We’re not bad kids. We did some porn, you know? Get over it. We work hard, you know? We work hard on our bodies, so why be ashamed of it, you know what I mean? I didn’t threaten anyone’s life. If anything, I’m putting smiles on people’s faces. People who were, you know, wanted to see me naked.” Yes, darling, we know. I found the argument that he didn’t put anyone in the hospital fascinating. So I did some digging—prior to getting busted for porn, Kenny was found guilty five different times for a number things, including assault. When asked about this, he said, “I’ve only been in jail like three times. For fighting, missing court, stupid stuff.” I smell a future politician.

By the way, both boys have declined offers to do more nude modeling, but that won’t stop us from posting their existing work on BillyMasters.com. We’ll even post an extensive interview with the pair. You know…

When I don’t have room for a snappy send-off, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. Be sure to check out BillyMasters.com for things other sites are afraid to show and tell. If you’ve got a question—legal or otherwise—e-mail me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I share a cell with Paul and Kenny (I should be so lucky)! So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.