Exploring the frontiers of gay consciousness with Roberto Blain

This is the final installment of a five-column series about the transformational experiences I had during a nearly two-month Vision Quest in New Mexico. The high point of my Vision Quest culminated in the remarkable 40th birthday celebration of a New Mexico-based “two-spirited” healer and teacher named Wolf. As described in my last column, this joyous, spirited celebration included, among other activities, a sacred Pipe Ceremony opening the event, a traditional “sweat lodge” (Inipi) ceremony, and an all-night Yoruba ceremony where family and friends from near and far danced to the percussive, pulsating rhythms of a group of fiercely talented drummers from Nigeria. At the end of an experience that heightened the senses and fulfilled at all levels—physical, emotional, mental and spiritual—I made the trip back to the little adobe that had served as my home during this period. Arriving tired and sleepy, I chose to bed outdoors in a tepee on the property that had an opening in the “roof” which provided a wondrous view of the nighttime sky and twinkling stars. Well, there’s nothing like a weekend at Wolf’s compound in Glorieta to clear the channels, for that evening I had what I refer to as my “Integration Dream,” a vivid and powerful dream I interpreted as a symbol of a transformational alchemy that had taken place within my being, and as a sign that it was time to return to my “normal life” in California. Here is an abbreviated version.

In my dream, I was with a group of people in Grand Central Station in New York City, sitting in a circle. We were expecting some kind of cataclysm. I seemed to be in a leadership role. Sensing that the cataclysm was imminent, I advised everyone to lean back immediately to avoid being annihilated. All in the circle did so on command. The cataclysm occurred; we instantly felt a violent shock wave like the ones that take place after an atomic bomb explodes. When the shock wave passed, all I could think to do was to find my parents to ensure their safety. There was chaos and pandemonium at the station and people were running all over the place. I soon saw my parents and called to them, relieved that they were safe. To my dismay, they indicated that they did not know who I was. I told them I was their son Roberto. They responded, “we don’t recognize you.” Perplexed and frustrated, it suddenly occurred to me to show them my driver’s license as evidence that I was their son. They saw the name on my license but said they still did not recognize me. All of a sudden a thought dawned upon me. I asked them what year they thought it was. They said, “it’s 1976." (In 1976 I was in my teens.) I immediately reached into my pocket and pulled out a quarter to show them that it was actually the year 2005. They seemed surprised. I realized they did not recognize me because, in their minds, I was still a young man—but in fact, I had grown up. I was no longer their young, dependent son. At that moment in the dream I had a very distinct impression that I had reached manhood, or perhaps adulthood. It felt like a sign of passage. Don’t ask me how, but I also had the clear impression that I had integrated my masculine and feminine sides and had achieved a certain kind of wholeness.

The next thing I remember, I was being wakened from my dream by Joanie, my loving host who worked as a naturopathic healer. “Roberto, quick! Come in the house, you have to see something!” I threw on some sweat pants and ran into the adobe. There in the middle of the hardwood floor—much to my astonishment—was a beautiful butterfly chrysalis coming out of its cocoon. Sticky and wet, it was pushing its way to a new life, much like I was trying to do. That this emergence happened in tandem with my dream was stunning to me and I began to tell Joanie about the “Integration Dream” from which she had awoken me. She gave me a knowing look. “Roberto, that butterfly is you!” What an amazing synchronicity; the outer state reflecting the inner. Even while in the dream, I had known at a very deep level that something powerful had happened in my consciousness; that I had changed in a substantive way. This was a beautiful, stark sign of validation. The transformation has held; I have felt more grounded and comfortable in my skin ever since. That recurring, nagging sense of emptiness—the void I so often felt in the past—has largely disappeared. I’ve never felt more complete and fulfilled.

As a finale to this series on my Vision Quest, I asked Wolf, an experienced shamanic practitioner who leads Vision Quests in various parts of the world, to share his perspective on this powerful rite of passage. He graciously agreed.

“A Vision Quest can be, and is, many, many things,” Wolf says. “Messages can be received in many ways as Great Spirit speaks through all things. ... A Vision Quest provides the opportunity to access the energies and the ancient spirits to ask them for help to live freely and effortlessly.

“The Vision Quest can also be a rite of passage, an initiation, and usually is, as the effect on a person can be life-changing,” Wolf notes, insisting that despite the adolescent period usually attributed to such endeavors, this rite can be revisited throughout one’s life.

Wolf says that “questers” almost always confront—and come to terms with—their perceived limitations. “One usually emerges feeling more confident in their ability to face all of life, and even death.

“This is such a brief description of Vision Quest. There is so much more that could be said about these things, but can words describe that which can only be experienced? Can you describe connection, fire, water, love—freedom? I hope the essence of this very sacred and blessed way is conveyed.”

Note to readers: Wolf and I are co-facilitating a Vision Quest weekend later this year. Attendance is limited; please e-mail me if you would like to be placed on the participant list, or if you would like to travel to New Mexico to do healing work with Wolf.

Roberto Blain is head of talent acquisition at USC, on the executive team of c3 transmedia, and a frequent collaborator with Dr. Don Kilhefner. Contact him at roberto@consciouscreativity.com.