BY TONY ZIMBARDI—LE MONS

Death & Marriage

“Papa, what’s death?” Edward asks. “Well, it’s when your body shuts down and ceases living,” I tell him. The boys and I are stopped at a red light on the corner of Santa Monica and Gardner on the way to summer day camp. I eye them through the rearview mirror. “You know what, Papa?” Edward asks. “Jaime’s going to die before me, because his birthday is in March and mine’s not until December, so he’s going to die first.” “Well sweetie,” I pause, “actually, you were born in 2001 and your brother wasn’t born till 2003, so it’s quite possible you’ll die before Jaime.” And without missing a beat, a sly grin crosses Jaime’s face and he turns to Edward, looking him right in the eye and says, “I’ll miss you, Edward. I’ll miss ya when you die.” We all three laugh at the absurdity of our conversation, the light turns green, and we head on to camp.

“Guys, Dad and I have some news,” I begin. It’s two days later and we’re sitting in Mr. Cecil’s rib joint. “Dad and I are getting married in October, we’re having a wedding, and we want you guys to be part of the ceremony.” “You mean we’re going to get to wear those black and white suits?” Edward, our ever fashion-forward 6-year-old asks. “Yes, sweetie, tuxedos; you’re going to get to wear tuxedos.” “Cool!” he replies.

“Why? Why are you getting married?” Jaime asks. “Well, because we can, and because it’s the right time, and we want to have a celebration of family and invite Nana, and Grandma Mary, and Pop Pop and Grandma Marty, and all of our friends and family.” I answer. “But what about your mouths?” Jaime asks, coyly covering his mouth with both hands. “Are you asking if we’re going to kiss?” Antonio asks him. Jaime giggles, eyes wide, hands still over mouth; he’s always had an aversion to affection when he sees men and women kissing on TV. “Yes, sweetie, Papa and I are going to kiss.” He continues to giggle, shaking his head back and forth, covering his widening smile.

“We wanted to wait until after the adoption was final and we were a forever family. So now that we are, we’ll have a big family day celebration,” I explain. “Oh, so when are we going to get to see the Incredible Hulk?” Jaime asks in response. “Yeah, when? I really want to see it!” Edward reinforces. Part of me is a little disappointed that they’re not having a bigger response. I ponder this as I suck on a rib bone and suddenly realize, this is how we’ve been intending to raise them, not to have big reactions to ideas like two men getting married; for it to be a nonissue. I let out a big sigh, realizing in this moment, our sons have already begun turning into the kind of well-rounded, open-minded kids I hoped they would.

In the next installment: Tony talks to his father about the wedding.

Tony Zimbardi Psy.D. is a psychotherapist in private practice in West Hollywood. More of his writing can be found at www.drtonyzimbardi.com.