This handy little quiz could help you tell the difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now

BY MICHAEL ANTHONY

When it comes to his friends...

a) They’re really cute… and even better kissers! (0)

b) I like them well enough, but his time with his friends is his time, not mine. (4)

c) I wish upon them death and herpes. (-1)

d) We were already best buddies before we started dating; our whole group chills together. (3)

e) What friends? (0)

Moving in together...

a) Will eventually happen, probably in a year or so; no need to rush it, we’re not lesbians! (5)

b) He showed up with a duffle bag on the first date and hasn’t left since. (2)

c) I’d love to move in, but he refuses to let me see his apartment. (0)

d) With my 22 cats, there simply isn’t any room for him. (0)

e) Move to the Valley? Are you freaking kidding me?! I’d rather live in the Midwest! (-1)

His mother...

a) Refers to you as “the Devil Incarnate.” (-1)

b) Tries to get to second base with you after her second glass of Franzia. (1)

c) Bought you a Christmas gift last year. (3)

d) The gift was from a retailer other than Big Lots, Costco, Kohl’s and/or the local gas station. (4)

e) His mother? Your aunt? Same difference; you like keeping it in the family. (-1)

When it comes to religion...

a) You live and let live; we’ll discuss it more when we’re ready to adopt. (3)

b) I don’t care, if he wants to burn in the fiery pits of hell, that’s his prerogative. (-1)

c) Is worshipping at the altar of Cher a religion? (1)

d) We’ve learned to meet in the middle—celebrating Christmas and Hanukkah rocks! (5)

e) Lord Theta rarely lets us talk on this topic; we must return to the compound now. (0)

Payday makes for...

a) The best date night ever; painting the town pink on a debit card has never been so much fun! (5)

b) If he overdraws the account one more time, I’m going to Chapter 11 his ass! (0)

c) Isn’t that a candy bar? I don’t eat carbs! (0)

d) The couple that pays together stays together. (4)

e) Job? What job? (-1)

When you’re ready to call it a night at the circuit party...

a) He throws cab fare at you and returns to the box upon where he was dancing. (1)

b) Puts on his shirt and heads for the front door, his hand in yours. (5)

c) Bitches a little bit (or a lotta bit) but eventually leaves the dance floor. (3)

d) The question is null and void; you never take him out partying with you. (1)

e) I haven’t seen him for hours, and I refuse to check the bathroom stalls again! (-1)

It’s Sunday morning at 6 a.m. and...

a) He wakes you with breakfast in bed, champagne included. (4)

b) To Runyon Canyon you both go; a summer sunrise jog is just what your love doctor ordered! (5)

c) You wake up alone in a Tijuana tattoo parlor without your pants—again! (-1)

d) 6 a.m.?! Check back in with us and our snooze button at noon. (2)

e) Who’s that third guy in our bed, and why do my nether regions itch? (-1)

When a friend brings up your sordid past...

a) He politely walks away; TMI, honey! (4)

b) What sordid past? He’s your first, last, and only love… forever and ever! (2)

c) He laughs heartily; damn, were your exes f#ck%d up or what?! (5)

d) No one dares speak of the past whose trials and tragedies shall not be mentioned. (1)

e) There’s no problem; he’s twice as twisted as you, and you love it! (3)

Sex is...

a) All missionary, all the time, baby! (2)

b) Read the police blotter; search for the heading: Dynamic Duo Caught in Public Park. (3)

c) Viagra and vodka are a godsend! (-1)

d) Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes daily, sometimes monthly, yet always “interesting.” (5)

e) When he finally takes the trash out, then I’ll finally start putting out. (0)

20 years down the road...

a) We’ll be calling Palm Springs home, sweet home; retirement has never looked so 60+ chic. (4)

b) Who knows, and who cares? We carpe diem it! (3)

c) Cashing in on his life insurance policy is going to rock! (-1)

d) Being a kept boi can’t last forever; I better get my bubble butt to cosmetology school. (1)

e) Wherever we are and whatever happens, I know that, right now, I love him more and more each day. (5)

TOTAL:

5 to 10 points: Restraining Order Waiting to Happen

You two are an episode of Cops in the making! If you don’t want your bunny boiled or your manhood Bobbit-ed, change your cell number and get out of Dodge ASAP. There are plenty of other colorful koi-bois in the singles’ sea.

6 to 20 points: Mr. Right Now

Face it; you’re not surfing Adam4Adam “in search of friends.” Things with your man are good enough for right now. But you definitely have your feelers out there, and they’re itching to reach out and touch someone else’s six-pack.

21 to 35 points: Mr. Right Enough

You’re asking yourself that age-old question. Can one man have it all: work, friends, family, the future, and him? It fits together oh-so nicely on paper; however, in practice, something is missing. You know that talking, therapy, and that good old-fashioned “try, try again” mentality can do wonders, and you’re willing to put in the work. Only time will tell if he’s the one.

36 to 50 points: Soul mate

You don’t see fireworks, and you’re not feeling butterflies. But you’re past the honeymoon phase, and he still makes your toes curl. So pick out that China pattern and nail down a date. This one is going to last.

BOYFRIEND MATERIAL

Name: Anthony
Age: 33
Occupation: Health educator
E-mail: get.anthonyc@gmail.com
Ideal first date: A spontaneous trip to a museum, wine tasting in Santa Barbara, or anything involving a long drive and a chance for good conversation.
Little-known fact: Few people know that I’m an actor, writer, graphic artist, and that three years ago I co-founded my own nonprofit organization called ETHAN: Educated Thinking and Awareness Thru Nightlife.

Are you, or is anyone you know, Boyfriend Material? Fill out the above survey and send a high-resolution image to lenora.claire@frontierspublishing.com.