Being a new parent isn’t easy. Thankfully one of the gays has come to rescue all those harried moms and dads

BY CHRISTOPHER LISOTTA

After two decades as a teacher, director of an early childhood center, and a consultant to education companies, Brett Berk knows a few things about keeping young kids happy, healthy, and in line. Berk’s new book, The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Parenting: Candid Counsel from the Depths of Daycare Trenches, takes into account all his experiences to act as a lifeline to overwhelmed mommies and daddies. In Berk’s view, stepping back from all the parenting madness may be the best thing for kids.

How did you decide to write this book?

I had friends who rented a place in upstate New York, and I hadn’t seen them in a while since they had a kid. They were in the midst of sort of toilet training their child. We were outside having dinner, and they had their kid drag his potty [seat] over next to the dinner table, and he took a dump while we were having dinner. We were asked to stand and applaud for the poo, and at that moment I decided, “You know what, this isn’t working. I need to write a book to help these people.”

Is it legitimate to say ‘Look, I don’t like kids and I have no interest in raising them?’

I think that’s totally legitimate. No one should have a kid if they don’t want one, if they are not 100% into the idea of having a child. In order to be a good parent I think you have to have that be your top priority. It was being exposed to young kids and parents consistently over the past 23 years that, in part, made me realize that this wasn’t a decision for me. If more people thought about it they might decide it wasn’t appropriate for them as well.

Are there specific duties and responsibilities a gay uncle has?

The book is a parenting book. It is a guide to how to be a parent, not how to be a gay uncle. We all have those people in our lives that are not our direct family members, not our parents, who had an important influence on us and provided a different kind of perspective on what life could possibly be. That’s a role that gay uncles can uniquely play.

Have you had responses from mothers saying ‘what the hell are you doing, writing a parent book?’

Certainly, that’s been a very common response. There are two things I say to that; one is not all plastic surgeons have facelifts and not all dentists have cavities. You don’t select people who give you advice based on whether or not they actually have direct experience in the category personally, you select people to give you advice based on experience. The second thing is, the entire point of the book is I’m not a parent and that’s a valuable perspective to hold. Parents get caught up in what I call the “parenting bubble,” which is sort of a group-think paradigm where they lose perspective, and lose their ability to look at their situation, their child, themselves objectively. When you are a parent you get caught up in all those kinds of struggles. Being an outsider affords a different kind of perspective.

Do straight couples and gay couples deal with parenting issues differently?

In all honesty, the new gay parents tend to be a little bit more uptight, but that’s just anecdotal. I don’t think anyone is immune from these issues.

What about the parents of a tyrannical little child? We all know nice people with demon spawn.

A lot of times, parents have been proactive about how they set limits, or create routines, or expectations for how they want children to behave. And then they are in a situation where they are reacting to a child. It puts children in charge of the familial dynamic. It’s always helpful if parents are the one setting the rules and parameters.

What do you say to a young overwhelmed mother, the formerly fabulous straight-girl best friend, who is struggling under all her mommy responsibilities?

Chapter one of the book is called Get Out of the House. Oftentimes, new parents get Stockholm Syndrome, the disorder where you fall in love with your captor. It happens when people get kidnapped. People feel like they can’t leave the house. My first piece of advice is determine some consistent time for yourself. If you’re stuck doing it 24/7 it’s impossible to perform at your best. In order for your child to develop optimally, they need time away from you as well. It’s important to remind people that they are entitled to be a person as well as a parent.