Financial well-being and being LGBT: Is there a connection?

BY DR. JEFFREY CHERNIN

Is it hard for you to quit worrying about money, even if you’re in decent financial shape? Could a lack of money be related to a lack of self-worth, including internalized homophobia? These questions may be difficult for you to answer, but it’s worth a try.

People with money problems tend to fall into two major camps. There are those who have money but worry about losing it. This group is inclined to worry about more than just money. They worry. Period.

Money often represents security, and a good retirement fund, for example, can offer it. But you have to ask yourself what’s really going on if you’re constantly concerned about losing your money. It’s deeper, and you have to examine yourself to find out what’s really going on.

People in the second group—who have chronic financial difficulties—tend to have other problems. For instance, many people who avoid doing their taxes and are late on monthly payments avoid other responsibilities, such as keeping up on car maintenance, avoiding treatment of medical problems, and completing college. It may also be part of a problem with drugs and alcohol, or a gambling addiction.

If this feels close to home, it’s because you’re having problems with your money relationship. So what’s holding you back from having a good relationship with your finances? For one, it’s possible that you say you want financial security, but there’s a basic, underlying belief of unworthiness. If that belief is stronger than the desire for security, self-sabotage is close at hand.

Another obstacle, for younger people in particular, is the desire “to be rich.” It may mean that there’s a void inside that can’t be filled with things. Research backs me up on this. People who become rich are no happier than people who aren’t. Retired people know this too. Surveys show that retired folks value friendships, community, and health over money.

Also, think about what you learned as a child regarding money. Have you heard that “money is the root of all evil?” If you believe that money is dirty, how can you have it without guilt? Besides, the actual quote is “The love of money is the root of evil.” In other words, valuing money over community and relationships leads to a lonely life.

How could internalized homophobia contribute to financial difficulties? Financial problems often originate in the emotional realm, which is where many, if not most, problems with relationships (including your relationship with money) originate. Does someone who is seen as sick, immoral, or sinful deserve anything of value? Should this person go to college, find a good career, and retire with enough money to live on? While many LGBT people become successful and have financial freedom, many of us delay it until later in life or, in some cases, it doesn’t happen at all due to feeling bad about being LGBT.

As it says in the book The Nine Steps to Financial Freedom, financial freedom is not the same as having lots of money. Rather, true freedom is not worrying about it. The book offers exercises going back to childhood in order to recall your early experiences with money. You may be surprised at the way that childhood experiences and observations of your parents handling of money influence your financial well-being. We look to our parents as role models, and if they didn’t take good care of their financial health, it’s passed down to us.

It takes work to come to terms with your relationship with money. You have to overcome negative messages in order to feel worthy enough to have financial freedom. However, don’t focus on the financial aspect of your life first; that’s like the tail wagging the dog. Rather, work on accepting yourself as an LGBT person who is worthy of good things in life: close friendships, an intimate relationship, a sense of community, good health, and work you enjoy combined with self-respect, confidence, and balance. Then you have the potential for true prosperity—quality of life. Financial freedom will emerge organically as part of the overall picture.

Jeffrey Chernin, Ph.D., MFT, is a psychotherapist and author of Get Closer: A Gay Men’s Guide to Intimacy and Relationships. Visit www.jeffreychernin.com.

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