From the Depths

Working with archetypes can reveal much about our gay psyches

Episode III: Contemplating Narcissus

BY BRIAN CARLSON, MA

When I was in my mid-20s, I found myself frustrated with my family’s lack of enthusiasm regarding my personal triumphs. At the time, I felt that I’d had a long history of attempts to gain support that ultimately ended up with me shamefully feeling as if I was making it “all about me.” Exhausted with trying to out-do myself, I decided to go back to the source and confront the discrepancy. My inquiry was dryly addressed with, “nothing you ever do surprises us because you always accomplish everything you set out to do.” I stood there with my mouth agape at this backhanded compliment. Was I flattered that my family thought of me as successful and reliable, or was this their way of not involving themselves with my life, my lifestyle, and my goals within that lifestyle?

At that moment, I was knee-deep in what is referred to in the psychology field as a “narcissistic wounding.” All too often gay men have been associated with Narcissus—the shamelessly erotic (yet romantic) image of a god, lying naked, obsessed by a reflection of sinewy muscles mirrored in a pool of water. Why wouldn’t we want to be associated with such a classical and compelling creature? Narcissus was a man of such great beauty that he attracted both men and women. But there is more to Narcissus than dreamy self-adoration.

As the story goes, the river god Cephisus raped Narcissus’ mother Lirope. Narcissus was born a child of rape who grew up without a father, under a mother’s sole influence. Narcissus was his father’s un-chosen son. I believe Narcissus internalized the sin of his father and buried it in his unconscious as a means of disassociating himself from the shameful act of the rape, as well as his own sexual prowess. Sadly, Narcissus reunited with his father in the river and the aggression that initially gave Narcissus life ultimately annihilated him—swallowed whole by the river and drowning. This tragic event is seen through the psychological lens as an ultimate union between father and son where they become one. Narcissus did not drown because of his unending, obsessive love of self, but rather because of his unconscious yearning to be reflected in his father’s eyes, in the river where his father lived—a tragic end to a misguided attempt to heal the unconscious, wounding separation of father and son.

Fortunately, healthy narcissism exists. It occurs when a child experiences himself as grandiose and the center of his own universe. It is a time when imagination has no limits and every creative attempt is a masterpiece. With good parenting, the healthy narcissism would be fed and, in the child’s eyes, make the parent as omnipotent as the child himself feels. This further fuels the child’s imagination and fantasy that he is born of a lineage of greatness. In time, as the child is confronted with reality, he will come to experience normal disappointments. Recognizing that his parent (who is as important as he) has survived disappointment, he will slowly integrate these experiences as he imagined his parent had before him.

Unfortunately, so many gay men have been cut off from their authentic selves and do not have the opportunity to integrate with their environment in youth. We had to wait until we found others who would not threaten our grandiosity, but appreciate it—making us feel safe enough to exhibit our intimate feelings of splendor. Ultimately, I believe that gay identification with Narcissus is rooted and mired in youthful feelings of powerlessness. In our youth, while we were either consciously or unconsciously aligned with feelings of homosexuality, I believe that we might have limited inner feelings of grandiosity in favor of safety, ultimately hiding our shame of being identified as gay. As a result, the natural developmental process is stunted and once we become part of a secure environment, it reveals itself.

One example: powerless feelings fuel us to armor ourselves with muscles, thereby, masculinity. Past interpretations of homosexuality equaling shame are rethought of as the beautiful and confident nakedness of Narcissus encouraging us to openly own our bodies and our sexuality. Nudity is not shame for Narcissus, but a prideful proclamation of authentic self. Identification with Narcissus has the ability to provide a retroactive reparative attempt. “Coming out” best describes this experience, when everything is for the taking and exuberance and grandiosity are celebrated. This particular embodiment of Narcissus suggests that a developmental wound is being addressed and through him, relief is provided. Although be warned—if a person identifies too closely with Narcissus, he could easily fall into an exhibitionistic tendency to shamelessly display himself. This evidence can be witnessed in the demonstration of gay men who have come to endlessly emulate those naked gods in a digital, broadband world. In this case, the narcissistic possession will compel its host to feel as vacant as the reflection he so adores.

When all is said and done, narcissistic possession is nothing less than an innocent, child-like yearning to do for ourselves what was never fully done or completed by others in our development. So when finding yourself or others possessed by Narcissus, have compassion and take care—what appears to be apparent on the surface of things is only a reflection. Those waters run far deeper than previously thought.

Brian Carlson serves as assistant director at Positive Directions located at Verdugo Mental Health in Glendale, and maintains a private practice under the supervision of Gary D. Pearle, Ph.D., in Sherman Oaks. Call 818/848-9158 or visit www.BrianCarlson.info.