A primer for would-be gay parents

BY TONY ZIMBARDI-LE MONS

This is the second installment of a two-part series on the experiences of some gay male couples who’ve considered, or have become, parents. In this installment, I present two gay couples with kids and demonstrate how their relationship has changed as a result of parenthood. All identifying information discussed in both articles has been changed in order to protect each couple’s confidentiality.

The Couples

Eli and Robert are a Caucasian gay couple in their 40s, who’ve been together for eight years and have had a set of 6-year-old twin girls via private adoption. Robert is an executive and Eli has been a stay at home dad. They’ve not had sex in 18 months and Robert feels frustrated at Eli’s role as “Mr. Mom.” Eli reports spending “about three hours a night” reading the kids bedtime stores; and also mentions that he believes he is impotent. Robert reports that by the time Eli returns to their bedroom after putting the kids down, he is usually asleep. Robert also shared that Eli recently discovered that he’s been having an online affair with someone he’s yet to meet in person.

Eduardo and Mario are a Latino “power couple;”both are executives with one of the Spanish language television channels. They own their own home; have one full-time and one part-time nanny and “party” quite frequently. Eduardo reports he’d like to cut back on not just the party drugs, but also the amount of daily Vicodin and alcohol he consumes after work. They frequently bring home guys to have sex with in the downstairs family room while their 3-year-old son sleeps upstairs. They’ve come to see me because they’ve been fighting more in front of “friends” and tricks; and recently woke up Eduardo’s mother visiting from Costa Rica as well as their son during the middle of one of their late-night parties; Eduardo’s mother wound up calling the police.

The Interventions

With Eli and Robert, the first intervention I decided to use is a technique called “closing all exits,” meaning, I ask the couple to stay committed to their relationship and their counseling for eight weeks, minimum; they will not leave or consider leaving one another and will discontinue any “outside” sexual or romantic interests to devote all of their attention to the relationship. I also suggested that Eli seek individual psychotherapy to look at why he was hiding out with the kids for three hours a night.

I took a harm-reduction approach with Eduardo and Mario and did not insist Eduardo immediately stop partying permanently, but suggested he take a 30-day trial period of sobriety to see how easy or difficult that was for him. I also utilized “Active Listening,” a technique where each partner paraphrases back what he has heard for clarity; validates his partner’s experience; and finally, empathizes with his partner. I also asked that they bring no “guests” home for sex to avoid any future exposure to their 3-year-old to any of the sex, drugs, and rock ’n roll going on in the downstairs family room.

The Assessment

I was concerned about Eli’s role of “Mr. Mom,” and how it was interfering with, or completely usurping, his role as partner to Robert. The “escapes” for three hours a night into the kid’s room for bedtime stories suggests giving up any identity as a sex/love object for Robert, possibly to avoid dealing with his worry about being impotent. I also wondered about Robert and whether or not this was his first online affair, or if there had been others.

I was very concerned with Eduardo and Mario’s party habits and exposing their young son to inappropriate and illegal activities. I did notify them that all licensed therapists are “mandated reporters” and that I would inform them if I were intending on making a report. I reminded them that they already had one strike against them due to the earlier police call. I suggested they keep all outside sex and illicit drug activity, outside of their home. I decided to simply start with the 30-day period of sobriety for Eduardo to assess the need for himself. I felt that teaching “Active Listening” to this couple might reduce the amount of fighting. I also pointed out that the fighting most likely occurred because their inhibitions were lowered by their chronic use of drugs and alcohol.

The Outcome

Eduardo and Mario discovered how challenging it was to keep their drug and sexual habits out of their house. Eduardo did not succeed with the 30-day trial sobriety period and they had a difficult time utilizing the active-listening techniques. They shortly thereafter dropped out of treatment.

Eli and Robert remain in treatment and although they’re not yet having sex, the future appears a bit more hopeful. Eli followed both of my suggested referrals and is now in individual psychotherapy to explore why he’s been using the kid’s bedtime hour to avoid Robert and has also made an appointment with a urologist to explore the cause of his impotency. Robert closed all of his online sex site accounts.

These couples illustrate how much parenthood can change a gay couple’s relationship. Some in our community have labeled gay couples with kids as “assimilationists,” wanting nothing more that to disappear into the heterosexual mainstream paradigm. These couples however, demonstrate that although some gay male couples may fall into that category, the opposite can occur as well. Eduardo and Mario illustrate that parenthood requires us as gay men to reserve terms like “party” and “play” exclusively for the kid set, or real problems can occur. I’ll conclude by saying that there is a richness of opportunity for all LGBT families out there when we take the best of our own culture and blend it with the best of the predominant culture; and as a result of that union, very special experiences and new forms of family are now being created everyday.

If you’re considering parenting, monthly informational meetings can be found via the Pop Luck Club www.popluckclub.org, “Maybe Baby,” at www.laglc.org or at P-Flag www.pflag.org.

Tony Zimbardi, Psy.D. is in private practice in West Hollywood and he can be contacted at www.drtonyzimbardi.com.