The potential perils of carrying-on or stowing those ‘weapons of mass seduction’

BY DIANA CAGE

Last night I was traipsing around the city in uncomfortable, vertiginously high-heeled shoes on my way to yet another holiday party. I don’t know why the holidays have to be in winter. I live in New York and let me just tell you, icy sidewalks and party shoes do not mix. And if you add cell phone use to that mix you are really screwed.

Picure this, I was walking as fast as I could through an intersection when I took my phone out of my pocket to check a text message. I hit a rough spot on the pavement, and my ankle wobbled just long enough for me to realize I was about to bite it—then I went down with a large crash. My huge fake Dolce and Gabbana handbag spilled everywhere, my black tights ripped at the knee and blood seeped through the material, and my phone went skidding into the gutter. Luckily I was in Manhattan so everyone just stepped over me.

The text message was from my friend Kathy. She was on the way to the airport and wanted to know if it was OK to travel with her dildo and harness in her carry-on. It is. I texted her back not to worry, it’s fine and they aren’t allowed to mention your intimate items as long as they aren’t dangerous. That’s not to say that your dildo isn’t a threat to national security, I think Parisa Parnian, the designer behind the queer clothing line Rigged Outfitters was the person I first heard call a harness a weapon of mass seduction, but you still can’t hijack the plane with it. They can’t question you about it and rest assured you could make a case for sexual harassment if they did.

Some toys, however might garner a little attention. I traveled to California from a Las Vegas sex toy convention with a stainless-steel double dildo. It looked like a beautiful piece of artwork, but it was also big and heavy enough to look suspiciously like a weapon out of Clue. They pulled it out, asked me loudly what it was in front of the entire line, took it to a special search area, questioned me a little more and then scanned it about 47 more times. I must have said, “It’s a sex toy.” to 50 different people. I don’t get embarrassed. Reviewing sex toys is part of my job. And even if it weren’t I’d still invoke my right to masturbate in whatever state I travel to. If you do catch the eye of airport security remain calm. Take pride in the fact that you are a sexual person and don’t let anyone else’s issues about sex affect your self-assurance.

Let’s face it, airline security is a pain and a little bit unpredictable. I flew to Australia from JFK last year, with a stopover in Los Angeles. And it wasn’t until I was unpacking my bag in a hotel in Sydney that I realized I’d accidentally left my Swiss army knife in my laptop bag. For whatever reason no one noticed it. They did, however, confiscate my shampoo.

If you want to bring sex toys in your carry-on go ahead. You have a right to do that. If you are heading out to see your special friend and you have some kind of sex dungeon fantasy all planned out it’s probably best to check your bag. Handcuffs won’t scan well. Better yet, just stop at home depot once you get to your destination. Soft nylon rope, some chain, and a few eyebolts are cheap and easy to come by. For the rest of your gear, use common sense. Take the batteries out of your vibrator, don’t carry-on your lube (unless it’s in a 2 oz. container, right?), don’t pack your kinky SM stuff, and don’t bring a load of dildos to Texas (owning more than three is technically illegal). If anyone raises an eyebrow over your Pocket Rocket, ignore them.

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BOYFRIEND MATERIAL

Name: Gilbert

Age: 45

Occupation: Researcher/ business owner

E-mail: gilbertdb2002@yahoo.com

Ideal first date: Hitting up a street festival, a little window shopping, and dinner at the beach.

Little-known fact: I give good Halloween parties. I cannot stay inside at home on the weekend when the sun is shining outside. The first date is always on me. :) Love is in the air in springtime.

Are you, or is anyone you know, Boyfriend Material? Fill out the above survey and send a high-resolution image to korina.jochim@frontiers publishing.com.