A primer for would-be gay parents

BY TONY ZIMBARDI-LE MONS

Whether you like the term or not, for lack of a cuter moniker which says it all, our community is in the midst of a full-on “Gayby Boom.” More LGBT people can now add a “P” for parent, to the acronym. And in the interest of full disclosure, I’m one of them — for the last 18 months, I’ve been writing a column for this magazine called “Bringing Up Gayby,” which has chronicled the journey of my partner Antonio and I on the road to parenthood.

I also happen to be in the unique position of being a licensed therapist in West Hollywood, seeing more gay couples interested in parenthood. This is the first of a two-part series on the experiences of some gay couples in my practice who’ve considered, or become parents. In this installment, I present one couple considering parenthood; in the next installment, I’ll profile two couples already experiencing the challenges of gay parenthood. (All identifying information discussed in both articles has been changed in order to protect each couple’s confidentiality.)

The Couple

Rob and Tommy can only be described as an “A-List,” West Hollywood couple. They are both 40, Caucasian, handsome and successful. They met six years ago when both were very much into the circuit scene. They frequently enjoyed travel, recreational drug use, casual sexual encounters, and all the trappings of “the good life.” They came to see me because they had decided that they would like to become parents, and were self-described workaholics who, despite being flawlessly attractive, had not had sex in more than a year.

Additionally, Tommy was not out of the closet and had enlisted his best friend Jasmine, a partnered lesbian, to carry his biological child. Tommy had legally married Jasmine more than 10 years ago in order for her to get a green card. Tommy also wished to visit his born-again Christian family in Kansas each year without Rob, allowing his family to believe that his marriage to, and this child with Jasmine, was “for real.”

The Interventions

I assigned Rob and Tommy both a weekly “date night out” as well as one “dinner at home night.” The purpose of “date night’ was to increase emotional intimacy with the ultimate goal of physical intimacy. I explicitly stated that dinner at home would not include answering cell phones, landlines, or getting online for the rest of the evening. This was something they admit they almost “never did anymore.”

The weekly dinner at home was also to prepare them for the day to come when they’d be eating most meals at home as a family. I also suggested they consult an attorney to work out a legal agreement with Jasmine around custody (as she was his legal wife and soon to be mother of his child) and to discuss what legal role both Rob, as well as Jasmine’s longtime partner, would play in this process.

Finally, I made referrals to the Pop Luck Club, a group of prospective and current gay dads and their kids who meet monthly in WeHo, Maybe Baby at the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center for those considering parenthood; and PFLAG, where Tommy might specifically explore the implications of raising a child with a “secret” to keep from his/her grandparents.

The Assessment

The first issue I would like to address is countertransference, which are the therapist’s own thoughts and feelings, which could potentially get in the way of aiding any client’s success. I had a very strong negative reaction to what I saw as a “conspiracy closet,” in which the couple thought it would be okay to raise a child with the ruse of having a heterosexual mom and dad wherever he/she would be in the company of grandparents, hence, my referral to PFlag where they’d potentially meet accepting grandparents.

Support, whether from biological family members or friends of the couple is another thing I look for; this couple was operating in a vacuum, they had no friends gay or straight, who had kids, and did not appear too keen on my referrals to Pop Luck or Maybe Baby; research shows that peer intervention is amongst the most effective, in any form of treatment. And they didn’t appear open to receiving peer support, a bad sign.

Further, I always assess a couple’s readiness for change. This couple had become workaholics in a sexless relationship. They saw little benefit at this point in slowing down their work schedule; or, in returning physical intimacy to their relationship.

Finally, from personal and professional experience, I can say that if a couple has relationship issues, kids will only magnify those issues; issues around sex often equates to a sexless relationship once you become a parent because you’re both simply too exhausted once kids are around to have sex! Financial issues can turn into the stress of a couple used to living off two salaries becoming a family of three or four living off of two salaries, and sometime only one salary if one parent decides to become a stay-at-home parent. Finally, schedules—parents are often in conflict about who is going to do what, when. This couple constantly works and rarely creates time for rest and relaxation as it is, something that will be almost nonexistent once a child or children come along. Their overall prognosis did not appear good.

The Outcome

Sadly for Rob, Tommy and Jasmine, things did not go well. Jasmine suffered a miscarriage after artificial insemination. All involved agreed that the situation had become too complicated. For Rob and Tommy, it had become even more costly than anticipated and at 44, Jasmine felt she wasn’t interested in another attempt at pregnancy. The attempts at “date night” and “dinner night” failed for Rob and Tommy, and they ultimately decided that a second home in Palm Springs might bring back their sex life; shortly after, they discontinued therapy.

The second installment will profile two gay couples already “married with children.”If you’re considering parenting, monthly informational meetings can be found via the Pop Luck Club www.popluckclub.org, “Maybe Baby,” at www.laglc.org or at PFlag www.pflag.org.

Tony Zimbardi, Psy.D. is in private practice in West Hollywood and he can be contacted at www.drtonyzimbardi.com.