Counter your vicious cycles with the Adaptive Spiral

BY DR. JEFFREY CHERNIN

Vicious cycles often start out as adaptive ways of coping with difficult experiences. Over time, they become unhealthy, habitual patterns. A vicious cycle includes an unwanted pattern of behavior: You do something you feel bad about, which leads to poor self-care and wanting to escape from feeling bad. This leads to feeling bad about yourself, which can lead to self-sabotage and self-defeat.

The Adaptive Spiral is an idea that developed organically through my psychotherapy practice as a way to change long-standing patterns. The six elements of the spiral are awareness, responsibility, perception, strength, identification, and trust. Its shape illustrates why some “been-there-done-that” issues come back again—but with a new perspective.

The first element of the spiral is Awareness. As an LGBT individual, you already have a high level of awareness, which is essential for change. Your awareness came from the self-reflection that goes with growing up feeling “different” or being an outcast as you were growing up.

There are three levels of awareness. The first is to realize that you’ve developed a pattern. The next level is to acknowledge that you play a part in the pattern. The third level is to recognize that these patterns serve a purpose, which is usually unconscious. As you become more aware of this “secondary gain,” you’re more aware of what you’re really wanting and that you can make conscious choices instead of simply reacting.

The second element of the spiral is accepting Responsibility. Look at yourself as non-defensively as possible in order to gain insight and accept certain traits that you feel are unacceptable. Responsibility also includes examining your motivations and choices. Growth along this part of the spiral involves leaving your comfort zone.

Part of this departure relates to the third element of the spiral: Challenging your Perceptions. This includes how you view yourself in relation to others and looking at beliefs and coping strategies that you developed early on. Your belief system includes thoughts, both automatic and deliberated, about yourself and others.

Think about where these beliefs originated, as well as the coping strategies (what I call tools) you developed—isolating, distracting yourself from your problems, and so on. Learn not to hate these tools but instead realize how they are part of your secondary gain. Change therefore includes “tool replacement.”

The first three parts of the spiral require the fourth element, Strength. Recognize your abilities while developing the courage to accept your imperfections and limitations.

Perseverance, a type of strength, that means you’re willing to devote the time necessary to change. Since a vicious cycle is comprised of thoughts, behavior, and emotions, pick the one that is most vulnerable and then begin to loosen it. Remember, as an LGBT individual, you’ve had to survive some painful times. Think about what it took to get through those times as you recall the strengths you already possess.

The fifth component is Identifying with Others. You’re not alone in your predicament. It makes you human, and you gain a sense of connection to others as you accept this. Isolation contributes to vicious cycles. Identifying yourself as “one of us” is a way to connect.

Learning to Trust is the sixth element. It means trusting yourself and your feelings, as well as learning to trust other people. Distrust is a logical extension of earlier experiences in which you were burned. See if you’re amenable to adopting a more balanced rather than a cynical view.

Regarding Action, the final element of the spiral, it’s been my experience that long-lasting change comes in small increments, and it must be attempted again and again for new approaches to take hold.

A gung-ho approach is often part of a vicious cycle. Take dieting. When it “fails,” the weight comes back—again and again. Instead of continuing a series of victories and defeats, consider small permanent changes. For starters, walk twice a week for 10 minutes. Share a meal or dessert with a friend when you’re out to dinner.

We all know what we “should” do, but change is difficult. The bridge from knowing to doing is the hardest to cross, but once the elements of the spiral fall into place, your way becomes easier to overcome self-defeating actions as you find new ways of living.

Jeffrey Chernin, Ph.D, MFT is a psychotherapist in Los Angeles and author of Get Closer: A Gay Men’s Guide to Intimacy and Relationships. For more visit www.jeffreychernin.com.