Reflecting on the beginning of a love story, from somewhere in the middle, and two kids later

BY TONY ZIMBARDI-LE MONS

It was not love at first site for Antonio and I. I’m a hopeless romantic and have always felt that when I met “him,” I would know. However, I was coming up on my 22nd Internet coffee date over the course of one year’s time and I hadn’t found “him.” To make matters worse, one day in session, one of my psychotherapy clients, a gay man in his 40s not unlike myself, tearfully burst out, “Don’t you know, Dr. Zimbardi? Your 40s is ‘last call!’ If you don’t find a husband before 50, you never will!”

Those words echoed through my mind as I walked into the Grove for an afternoon coffee date to meet Antonio Le Mons, a new Internet prospect. I told myself I already knew he exceeded my “height requirement.” You see, I’m vertically challenged, Antonio is not; I am probably one of just a rare few gay man in Los Angeles who was specifically looking for a short husband, so I could look him in the eye while making out. However, as we sat there talking, I realized Antonio was warm, gentle, intelligent, and sexy. My inner voice, though, was not yet saying, “It’s him, Tony, it’s him.” So, we agreed to enter an “open” dating period of six months while we continued to date each other as well as others. And by the end of those six months, something magical had indeed happened—while we never “fell” in love, we had grown in love.

Antonio and I have similar backgrounds despite our racial diversity: We’d both been raised Catholic, and both independently found our way to Religious Science as adults. I received my Master’s in Psychology at Antioch; and two months before we met, Antonio had been accepted to the same program. We also both believed in entering a monogamous period for the first two years of a relationship, minimum, as we feel it gives a couple the time to build a strong foundation, free from distractions and drama; and, that we would not consider moving together until we had dated for at least a year. And oh yeah, one final note, we both agreed that although we had considered it in our 20s and 30s, we had no interest in having kids.

During the six months leading up to our first anniversary, we decided to add a spiritual dimension to our relationship and found a wonderful licensed gay male therapist who was a practitioner at our church. With him we engaged in six “pre-marital counseling sessions” before moving in together. That process set relationship guidelines that we continue to live by today.

On the night of our first anniversary I took Antonio to the Four Seasons hotel, and at midnight, got down on one knee and did something I had never imagined myself doing before: I proposed to a man, and while kneeling, read him vows that I had written. And as long as I live, I will never forget the look of shock, awe, and joy beaming from his face—never.

We then had our church practitioner perform a “house blessing,” upon moving in together. Our friends got to write their wishes for us on small slips of paper and recited selected readings. Many later commented that as gay men, that they had never witnessed a spiritual ritual around moving in together, and that for them, it was a gift to be included in the experience.

Antonio and I have always believed it is our responsibility as gay men to set the bar high for family, and that our families will never treat our relationship with any less respect than those of our heterosexual married siblings. So in December 2004, we announced our “Engagement Party,” and informed all of our divorced, remarried and single parents, seven in total, that they were expected to attend. And attend they did! Black folks from Detroit and white folks from Philadelphia all showed up in NYC on a cold winter day to celebrate the union of their respective sons. Antonio’s father even made a toast to “the happy couple.” That night Antonio and I had to de-brief alone together in our hotel room and we were actually overwhelmed by the acceptance we created within our families—they exceeded our expectations.

Erik Erickson was the great psychologist who coined the “8 Stages of Man,” defining developmental stages across the life span, and Carl Jung was one of Freud’s contemporaries. What they both have in common, is the philosophy that the “mid-life tasks include finding meaning in spirituality and in giving back to the generation coming up behind.” One day in October 2005, we got TiVo, and our lives have never been the same. In one weekend, TiVo independently recorded three documentaries on gay male parenting. I sobbed for almost six hours straight, so moved by the stories of these loving gay men and their children. Antonio and I decided that fatherhood would indeed be in our future. And in February 2007, we met our two sons, siblings who were 4 and 5 at the time. I cannot describe the depth of feeling and fullness I now experience in my life each day. Our lives have been forever changed; I believe that these two little boys have adopted us as much as we have them.

So, how has our relationship changed over the years? Well, like most parents, we are utterly and completely exhausted by the end of each day (translate: usually too tired for sex). However, I’ve found that the lack of physical intimacy has been replaced with a deeper and more profound love for Antonio as a partner and co-parent. My life with Antonio has played out as a marvelous, unexpected journey. I’ll conclude with the words of Robert Frost as they define my experience of our relationship: “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”

BOYFRIEND MATERIAL

Name: Damian
Age: 60
Occupation: Fitness Manager
E-mail: damian4life@yahoo.com
Ideal first date: Romantic dinner with great conversation
Little-known fact: I once was a millionaire, and once homeless on the streets.

Are you, or is anyone you know, Boyfriend Material? Fill out the above survey and send a high-resolution image to korina.jochim@frontierspublishing.com.