BY MICHAEL KEARNS

The Beard: Artistry of or Fakery?

TO BEARD OR NOT TO BEARD: a growing (sorry) issue on the cul-tural face (again, sorry) of America.

Take late night talk show host David Letterman and ConanO'Brien, both of whom returned to the small screen, fully bearded, after temporarily being forced offthe small screen by the doggedwriter's strike. Wearing a beard, particularly in Los Angeles or New York City, has attained new symbolism.

Sitting atthe local Starbucks, I lost count ofhow many beards—of varying degrees of studied slovenliness — were recently on display. Beards that blast a message beyond the usual, “I'm too sexy and butch to shave.”

The new message is “I'm too sexy and butch toshave since I been outta work 'cause I'm a member ofthe powerful entertainment industry and that makesme h-o-t. Got it?”

The study of beards is called pogonology (not to beconfused with pornography). In 16th century England, clergymen were deliberately clean shaven to signal celibacy — even though that message may have been abald-faced lie (way sorry). From Paul Bunyan's fur to George Clooney's stubble, facial growth can also signifyvirility. However, beards can just as easily suggesteccentricity (think Nick Nolte).

This act of bearding is nothing new to Hollywood. But as with most things Hollywood, you can't alway stake the meaning of a word at its face value (oops). Originating in the sixties, the term “beard” can refer to the female date of a male homo, trying to pass as straight.

This bit of deception is classic homophobia in which one attempts to hide behind a mask (or a beard) in fear of being found out. Whether on one's face or on one's arm, the beard is often intended to conceal that which is undesirable — from a weak jaw line to a limp wrist.

While there are also plenty of beards inWashington D.C. (Senator Larry Craig married his), you won't find beards on presidential candidates (no Hillary jokes, promise) in spite of the fact that one of our most beloved president's dramatic facial hair is legend.

In 1860, an eleven-year old girl wrote a beardless Abraham Lincoln a letter, suggesting that a beard would help him get elected: “...you would look a great deal better for your face is so thin.” Lincoln was the first president in the White House to sport a beard. The last presidential nominee with facial hair — a moustache, not a beard — was Republican Thomas E. Dewey who lost the election twice, in 1944 and 1948.

If beards deter one's landing on Pennsylvania Avenue, perhaps some of those Republican wannabes could be tricked into believing that bearding up would make them more Lincolnesque. Even though time is precious, let's imagine that former Baptist minister Mike Huckabee wants a beard (like his bud Chuck Norris) to complement his fabulous weight loss.

Perhaps Mrs. Huckabee could help him out by giving her husband “Abraham Lincoln's beard,” define dby the online urban dictionary as: “The act of shaving one's pubic area and saving it to be thrown on the face of someone pleasuring them.The shaver shoots the face of the pleasurer with 'fluids,' then throw sthe pubic clippings onto their face. ”Pogonology, indeed.

Our tribe has been aficionados of facial hair for decades. In a New York magazine article, John — described as “a 34-year old engineer” — says, “Back in the seventies, the mustache was an iconic gay symbol; that's how you could identify gay men.

“But today, anyone can have a mustache — though that's probably the one thing you won't see on gay guys anymore, at least in New York.” In other words, unlike the seventies when sprouting hair on one's upper lip meant you were either a queer or a television actor (or both), you might even be mistaken for a hetero in today's marketplace.

Beards are another story, says the New York Times in an article written by Eric Wilson: “On city streets, too, trends in scruff have reached new levels of unruliness,a backlash, some beard enthusiasts say, against the heightened grooming expectations that were unleashed with the rise of metrosexuality as a cultural trend. Men both straight and gay, it appears, want to feel rough and manly.”

And when you've decided that growth is no longer working for you, simply book an appointment with Mr.Todd, the Barber of Fleet Street.