Kicking Tina to the curb can give you a chance to try some new tricks

BY KEVIN JOHNSON

CAN SOBER SEX BE SATISFYING? If you’d asked me just a few years ago, I would’ve let out a good laugh, or at the very least rolled my eyes. I was almost 28 three years ago when I decided to get sober. Although I can’t say I’ve remained sober ever since, I can say that in the last 12 months my sober days, weeks and (gasp!) months began to outnumber my occasional “relapses.” However, I’m not here to sell you on sobriety.

I’m here to share that I’ve been forced to confront the issue of learning to enjoy sex without being loaded. I’m no expert on this topic. I’m just a guy who has caught a glimpse of a new world between the sheets. Therefore, I’ve enlisted the help of a few professionals here in Los Angeles who are more versed in matter.

Dustin Kerrone, a Marriage & Family Therapist (MFT) Intern at the Gay & Lesbian Center says that shame, fear, and performance anxiety—previously masked by drugs or alcohol—are the most common issues gay men struggle with when it comes to having sober sex.

“These feelings, based on chronic self doubt and low self-esteem related to growing up in a world that demonizes homosexuality and especially gay sex, require ventilation and processing,” he states. “With dedication and hard work it is definitely possible to achieve a sober, more conscious, and erotic sexuality that is based on actual relating rather than fantasy.”

Fellow MFT, Joni Lavick, who runs a private practice in Santa Monica and long time mental health services staff member at the Center agrees.

“One of the greatest challenges of sober sex is to negotiate the uncoupling of the sensations and experiences associated with sex and meth with recoupling the sensations and experiences of sex and intimacy,” she says.

Lavick further shares that just because it’s sober sex it doesn’t mean it has to be boring sex.

“It can still be adventurous,” she continues. “When someone is stopping the outlet of sex and drugs, it’s time then to explore different kinds of sex. Perhaps trying out tantric sex or different types of sex than they’ve done before—sex becomes more of an expression of what your own feelings are.”

The difficulty as Lavick explains it is the transition.

“The process from going from anonymous sex to intimate sex is an important part of the transition,” she says. “It’s difficult often because the guys who end up addicted are used to a certain kind of sex or the charge they get from sex, and they’re not able to get the same experience from sober sex. They have to shift in their mind their concept of what sex is and discover what’s been missing.”

According to Jeff Sumner, a Certified Life Coach who hosts a sober sex workshop at the Gay & Lesbian Center, this process takes time.

“Many people want to be able to hit a sexual home run immediately after getting sober,” he says. “Drug and alcohol abuse over time causes tampering with brain chemistry. It takes time for things to get back to normal. Therefore, it stands to reason, that sex is going to be different. Not bad. Not less fun. But different.”

A trick Sumner shares is to stop comparing one’s current, or sober, sexual performance with the drug and alcohol induced escapades of the past.

“You will only be disappointed,” he continues. “Allow yourself to gradually build new sexual practices and traditions that don’t involve substance abuse. Don’t expect too much from yourself or your partners in the beginning. Realize that it will take some practice and some time, but in time, I promise you it won’t be a ‘home run’ you hit, but a Grand Slam!”

There is so much more on this topic and that I wish I could fit in this article. For now what I can say is that from personal experience I know the above is absolutely true. I’ve also discovered that once you do hit that ‘grand slam’ in the sober boudoir, it doesn’t mean every subsequent sober sexual experience is going to end with cheering crowds in your head. But if practice makes perfect, then let me get back to practicing— without the hooch or that bitch Tina!

We’d like to thank Dustin Kerrone, Joni Lavick, and Jeff Sumner for their input in this arti-cle. All three welcome readers to contact them for additional information.

Jeff Sumner’s SOBER SEX workshop is conducted at The Village at Ed Gould Plaza – 1125N. McCadden Place, Los Angeles, CA 90038. For more information visit: www.breakthroughbridge.com

Joni Lavick, MFT runs a private practice in Santa Monica and can be reached at 310/288-1679. Dustin Kerrone, MFT Intern welcomes phone calls 323/860-5889 as well as emails to: dkerrone@lagaycenter.org.