BY MICHAEL LIBERATORE

Sex is a part of gay culture, and lots of it can be a way of measuring a gay man’s success. So how do we know when we move from “stud” to “addict” status?

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS. CRYSTAL METH Anonymous. Gamblers Anonymous. Overeaters Anonymous. Al-Anon. Sex and Love Anonymous. Have we become a community entrenched in recovery? Is 12-stepping more entertaining than two-stepping?

A person with a drinking problem knows—or suspects on some level—that he’s an alcoholic. Same with a meth user. The parameters of addiction are pretty easy to define. And even if the user himself isn’t quite sure, chances are his friends, lovers, and family are fairly pos•itive when he’s crossed the line. Think Sandra Bullock in 28 Days. Or Patsy and Edina on a typical evening.

But who defines sex addiction?

It’s an interesting proposition. When is a lot of sex too much sex? Is sex with a single partner acceptable, when sex with multiple partners is not? Is sex addiction only recognized when it is damaging an established relationship? Are the standards different for gay men and lesbians than straight people?

For example, if I have sex five times a day (if only…) and you have sex five times a month, is it automatically assumed that I am the sex addict? What if I am able to maintain friendships, my job, and financial solvency, and you are not? And the reason you are not is because during those five monthly romps, you are spending a minimum of five hours per session, frantically cruising sex websites, masturbating wildly, ingesting crystal meth, and forsaking both friends, family, work, and food in your quest for the perfect orgasm. I, on the other hand, have a nice toss-down upon waking, a quickie when I return from work, a post-workout wank, a good-night blowjob, and a “hey, it’s 4 a.m. and Little Elvis is restless” romp, but still make it to my desk by 9 a.m., have dinner with my buds at least once a week, and manage to call Granny on her birthday. Which one of us is exhibiting addictive behavior?

“I would be very careful to use the term ‘sexual addiction,’ without contextualizing how all of us gay people are forced into addictive compulsive psychological “marriages” with homophobic parental complexes,” cautions Doug Sadownick, Ph.D., a gay-affirmative psychotherapist and Director of the LGBT Clinical Psychology Specialization at Antioch University. “This is not to say that additional traumatic issues in people’s lives—such as child abuse, molestation, and emotional vampirism by the parents—may over sexualize a child, lead to compulsions and the unconscious urge to repeat abusive dynamics, and the impulse to engage in self-harming activities as adults.”

“I’d say that clients can be addicted to the abuse of their inner critical and/or abusive parents,” Sadownick continues, “and sometimes these inner voices are so ruthlessly shaming, it’s amazing any of us survive this insidious attack on our internal life. It can create a feeling of hopelessness; that there’s no way out of this horrible trap of growing up in a heterosexist society. When that kind of pain happens, a person may seek whatever means possible to soothe this inner, unconscious violence. Sometimes sex is used as a way to produce a ‘high,’ or moderate these internal attacks from one’s homophobia. But I would say the real addiction is to unconscious, invisible inner heterosexist voices.”

Sexual Recovery Institute, which specializes in treating people with sex addiction issues, describes sexual addiction on their website as follows: “Have you risked your marriage or primary relationship, your job, health, or finances in order to continue your sexual activities? If so, you might be a sex addict.” The site goes on to explain “the costs of sexual addiction can range from emotional and physical health problems to legal, relationship, family, and career consequences. Sexual addiction is not defined by the type of sexual act, or by the choice of sexual partner, but more by the persons’ inability or unwillingness to stop their sexual acting-out despite negative consequences, combined with a history of addictive sexual behavior patterns.”

So, contrary to popular belief, sex addiction is not focused only on frequency—it’s about sexual behavior. And the amount of emotional discomfort and anxiety it produces.

Jaden* tells me “I can’t remember the last time I had sex in a bed”. He is a very attractive, 32-year old gay male, and despite coming out in his mid-teens, he reports he’s never had a serious relationship. Jaden’s life is about circuit parties, building his career as a film editor, building his body at the gym, and having sex. Lots of it.

“I probably have sex about five times a week,” Jaden says. “Rarely, if ever, with the same person.”

Jaden isn’t looking for a relationship. “Maybe someday, but I’m not ready to be tied down,” he explains. “Right now, I want to enjoy myself while I still look good enough to get laid. Talk to me again when I’m 50!”

Where does Jaden find his partners? “It’s not that hard to have sex in West Hollywood,” he laughs. “Seriously. I meet people at the gym. I meet people at bars. I meet people at the grocery store. I’m always looking, and I’m not shy!”

Does Jaden, who swears his sex is “always safe,” consider himself addicted to sex? “No more than I’m addicted to food,” he explains. “I like to eat three meals a day. Do I need sex five times a week? Well, I won’t die if I skip a day, but I won’t die if I skip a meal either. It’s all relative.” If Jaden’s estimates regarding his sexual behavior are correct, and he became sexually active at the age of 18, we can assume Jaden has had approximately 3,640 sexual partners thus far, and has no intention of slowing down.

“So what?” my friend Byron* says when I relay Jaden’s figures. “He says he’s being safe. He says he’s not ready for a boyfriend. He likes sex. What honest gay man doesn’t?” Byron, who is 42, sees a psychotherapist weekly. One of his issues is sexual addiction.

“I don’t consider Jaden an addict,” he explains, “because he’s not hurting anyone, and he’s not emotionally distraught by his behavior.”

Byron started therapy after his close friend and sex-clubbing buddy Roger* was arrested, a la Larry Craig, soliciting an undercover cop for sex in a public bathroom.

“I never viewed our behavior as problematic,” Byron begins. “We’d hit the sex clubs, baths, and back-rooms together when we were younger. Then I started playing in the steam room at my gym—as a reward for a good workout. Initially, I was discreet, but pretty soon I did-n’t care who saw me—I’d whip it out and jack off with anyone who was interested.”

Much to Byron’s displeasure, someone who wasn’t interested reported him to the gym’s manager, and Byron’s membership was revoked. He now found himself in the precarious position of explaining to his partner why he suddenly had to find a new gym after nearly ten years of membership.

“Ted and I don’t have an ‘open relationship’ per se, it’s more ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’. But when you’re tossed out of your gym on your ass, you kind of need to explain to your partner what came down,” Byron says, shaking his head. “He was pretty pissed. But he was more con•cerned about my [professional] reputation [as a teacher] if anyone found out. I knew he was right, and I swore I’d never take a chance like that again. But, when I joined my new gym, I was right back to playing in the sauna. It was like I had no control over myself. I didn’t tell Ted, and I was far more discreet than before. But it took the arrest [of my friend] to get me into therapy.”

Sexual addiction doesn’t have to involve indiscretions with another. Chronic masturbation can be equally problematic. Combine ceaseless wanking with expensive cyber-porn or phone sex, and you have a recipe for disaster. Byron revealed that prior to his friend Roger’s bathroom escapade, Roger had spent most of his and his partner’s “vacation fund” on cyber-porn—nearly $12,000. Without his partner’s knowledge.

But as gay men, aren’t we socialized differently regarding how much sex is too much sex? If we compare ourselves to the average straight male, don’t we all seem a bit compulsive?

“It’s tricky for gay men,” explains Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, of the Center For Healthy Sex in Beverly Hills. “Anonymous sex is part of gay culture. It’s up to the individual to decide if they feel their behavior is addictive. By that, I mean are they entrenched in secrets and lies…or have they tried to curb their activities, and found it impossible? If they can’t stop—if their lives have become unmanageable, then they need to con•sider their behavior as addictive.”

Katehakis treats gay men, lesbians, and straight males and females at the Center For Healthy Sex. Each orientation must be treated differently.

“My female clients, whether straight or lesbian, tend to have a sex and love addiction,” she says. “The men are often less codependent; they are more hunt-driven, and sex is less personal and emotional.”

Katehakis employs a broad spectrum of therapists at the Center For Healthy Sex, which she believes is important. “Currently, we have a gay male counselor, a lesbian counselor, and straight counselors, though I don’t automatically assume gay men prefer a gay male therapist,” she explains. “I also conduct group therapy, and the group is a mixed men’s group—straight and gay.”

I wonder aloud if this is a recipe for disaster.

“Not at all,” Katehakis says emphatically. “The straight men are very interested in the lives of gay clients, and vice-versa. Their early sobriety plans look quite different. For example, a gay man’s plan might say ‘I will not have sex with a man whose name I don’t know’ or ‘I will have sex in a bed’. The men, no matter what their orientation, respect and support each other. It’s really quite beautiful to watch. There are no boundaries crossed, yet it’s clear that they love each other.”

“Gay sexuality is sacred, or so it seems to me,” Sadownick adds. “Of course, anything so amazingly sacred/powerful/potent/cosmic has its dark and problematic sides. But we shouldn’t confuse the shadow side of gay sexuality with our sacred gay sexuality, and perhaps its genuine aim and purpose, which is, according to some voices of gay and lesbian liberation, like Walt Whitman, Harry Hay, and Judy Grahn, to revolutionize our own minds and perhaps even society as a whole.”

*Not their real names

Resources:

1. The Center for Healthy Sex (Alexandra Katehakis, MFT): www.centerforhealthysex.com, 310/335-0997, 315 S. Beverly Blvd., Suite 307, Beverly Hills, CA 90212

2. Sexual Recovery Institute: www.sexualrecovery.com, 310/360-0130, 822 S. Robertson Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90035

3. The Los Angeles Gay & Lesbian Center: www.lagaycenter.org, 323/993-7400, 1625 N. Schrader Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90028

4. Douglas Sadownick, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., Director, LGBT Specialization in Clinical Psychology, Antioch University Los Angeles, 310/578-1080