Exploring the frontiers of gay consciousness with DON KILHEFNER AND ROBERTO BLAIN

Gay Spirituality—An ego-driven vs. a soul-led life: The United States at present is the most materialistic and ego-driven society the world has ever seen. Our present economic system is driven by conspicuous consumption and the values that go with it. Kids are given credit cards in middle school. A good credit rating is our contemporary equivalent of the search for the Holy Grail. Ego psychology has become the dominant creed of much of the present-day U.S. It’s all about me, me, me. Cell phones, TV, DVD’s, CD’s, movies, radios, computers, e-mails, iPods, advertising and marketing relentlessly and unceasingly force us to externalize our lives—disconnecting from our deeper selves. An aware, alive, and awake inner life has become an endangered species for many gay men. Pretty bleak, huh?

One of the major characteristics of gay people is that we generally are not herd animals. So in the midst of the societal unraveling and insanity of our dominant culture, how do we transform our conventional ego-driven personal lives and gay community into a genuine soul-led personal and communal experience? How can we be restored to sanity?

An ego-driven life is characterized by the self-absorbed part of oneself becoming the center of one’s personal solar system. Like planets orbiting the sun, everyone and everything else revolve around you. Others are there to serve you and reflect off of you. Sounds like your boyfriend, doesn’t it? Where is that self-reflecting mirror you laid down somewhere years ago? Here is what an ego-driven life look like schematically. It is a snapshot of our current society.

There are two things to note about Diagram 1. First, the ego is much larger than the psyche. Psyche is an ancient Greek word meaning “soul” (sometimes shrinkologists use the term interchangeably with the words “unconscious” or “the self”; indigenous people call it “the invisible world”). Second, the ego is completely disconnected from the soul. It’s what is meant when we refer to an individual or a society as “soulless.” Ego-driven individuals are obsessed by the me-me-me part of themselves. The ego is inflated and always needs to be in the driver’s seat.

A soul-led life is characterized by a different relationship being established between the soul and ego, with the soul doing the leading. In a soul-led life you go from being the navigator to being navigated. Those living a soul-led life feel and are connected to something greater than themselves and their socio-economic status. There is a sense of confidence, of possibility. There is a re-orientation from a preoccupation with oneself to an increasing focus on community, connection, calling, and contribution. Check out Diagram 2.

Note that the ego is much smaller than the psyche and they are connected with psychic energy flowing from the larger to the smaller. It is what the second step of Alcoholics Anonymous’ 12 steps toward spiritual awakening means when it says: “Came to believe that a power [soul] greater than ourselves [ego] will restore us to sanity.” This same understanding is found in all spiritual traditions. Carl Jung called it “a spiritual instinct.”

Those living an ego-driven life walk around with what might best be described as a nagging feeling of dissatisfaction punctuated by occasional, yet fleeting, moments of joy. There’s never enough. You feel uncomfortable in your own skin and don’t really understand what’s behind the feeling. You find yourself lost, walking the spirals of an in-turning maze, doing your best to figure out if this is the right job, the right relationship, or the right teacher. And so you flounder about “desperately seeking Susan,” struggling valiantly to maintain appearances, when inside you have a gnawing and growing suspicion that you are dying a slow, painful death—that is, if you’re not in denial. If this last statement seems overly dramatic, come to one of our Gay Men and Midlife Awakening workshops to see the utter, numbing pain that so many rudderless gay men in our community are experiencing due to lack of soul-direction.

Conversely, those who make contact with the soul find themselves more in the flow. There’s less efforting and more ease and grace about life. Even if you are not fully clear about your life’s calling, you have a sense of being on the right path, one that is enlivening and real. Your soul is the ultimate GPS; it does not mislead. It acts like a lighthouse that guides you to the right job, the right relationship, the right actions to take. Most people try to navigate these questions solely using their intellect. Don’t get us wrong—the intellect is incredibly useful when you are tackling excel spreadsheets and flowcharts—don’t leave home without it—but it is not suited to lead.

So the next logical question is how do I end this madness and begin living a more soul-directed life? The perennial answer is you have to start listening to that still small voice that’s normally drowned out by “The Committee” in your head, what Buddhists call your “monkey mind.”

In our next installment of “Edging Out” we will discuss a number of ways you can listen to the soul’s voice and cultivate what Welsh poet David Whyte refers to as “radical attention,” the opposite of ADD (attention deficit disorder).

We leave you with a sobering thought from the Gnostic Gospel of Thomas:

“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what is not brought forth will destroy you.”

Don Kilhefner, Ph.D., is a Jungian psychologist in West Hollywood. He can be reached at: donkilhefner@sbcglobal.net. Roberto Blain is head of talent acquisition at USC, on the executive team of c3 transmedia, and co-facilitator of the Gay Men and the Midlife Awakening workshop. Contact him at roberto@consciouscreativity.com.